Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Black and White

Excuse me while I work some things out in my head. Sometimes it helps to get all the pieces out and look at them in black and white. He has assured me he doesn't intend to be a regular reader of this blog, so I'm pretty comfortable telling you guys about it.

When something doesn't follow a pattern of norm, I tend to over-think it and try to figure it out. And right now, HotRod is not following the pattern of "normal" new boyfriend.

Could be that I've never actually had a normal boyfriend. I've been on a few dates with "normal" but when they get a load of my crazy, they run for the hills. Fine by me, as I tend to think they were probably boring as hell.

I feel like there is something he's not telling me. And not in the "Oh, didn't I mention I'm a convicted felon?" sort of way. I can't put my finger on it, but he's holding something back. I can't even figure out if the something is a good thing or a bad thing.

I also feel like, maybe I scare the shit out of him. Not that I'm big and tough. But that he's big and tough, and maybe I make him feel a little softer. I suspect that feeling something for someone has lead to him getting badly hurt in the past. But here's the thing, everyone, in our shoes, at our age, had been hurt. Badly enough not to be brave and take another chance. But the way I see it, I've already been through hell and back. I'm due for a win.

Things are slow going. We don't see much of each other. Mostly I think, I hope, it's because we both work so much. But I just can't be sure. Where we used to text or facebook for hours, we don't so much anymore. Sometimes I won't get 3 texts all day. I'm not big on chit-chat while I'm working, and I assume he is the same. But when it's all said and done, I'd like to talk to my boyfriend.

I'm a follow your heart kind of girl. This has lead to me getting badly hurt. So now I follow my heart with my eyes wide open. HotRod is no exception. But I seemed to have jumped in the deep end, and since I have my eyes open, everything is murky and watery. I can't figure him out, and it's weird.

Right now, he seems to be bouncing between two ends of a spectrum. One where he is head over heels and the other where he could take it or leave it. He once confessed that he almost told me he loved me, a couple times. Scary stuff. And then sometime later, he advised me against loving him. And then a couple days after that, he texts 'I love your face'.

When he said it wouldn't be a good idea to fall for him, I pulled back. Hard. First, because he hasn't been in a relationship in years. So I figured, maybe I was scaring the crap out of him. He just needs time to decide whether he's jumping in with both feet. And second, if he's having his doubts, I don't want to face plant if he changes his mind. That shit hurts.

I tend to think in terms of, what's the worst that could happen. I really don't like to be blind sided. 
When he doesn't text much, I think, maybe my "shiny newness" has worn off. Or maybe he's crazy busy.
When I offer to go hang out at his place, and he says he's exhausted, I think, maybe he thinks he has to entertain me. Or, maybe he's not as excited about this whole thing as I am. 
I wonder if all the DQ drama in my life looks like extra, unneeded stress to him. It certainly does to me. I've told him it's not his burden to bare. I wonder if he believes me? I know a lot of females act like damsels in distress. I'm not one of them. 
What if he's waiting for my crazy to show? I can understand that. I know people usually change. Their true colors start to show after the first couple months. I've done the best I can to put all my cards on the table. My biggest skeleton is DQ. And he knows all about her.
He once said something to the effect of, 'People come into my life, and they are all about me. Then they change their mind, and walk away.'  What if he's waiting to see if I'm going to be one of those people? I think I have a pretty good understanding of the man, aside from what's going on in his head about us. I like what I see. He's me with a penis and really long beard. 

As for me, I'll wait. For a time when things are flowing better. For a time when work slows down and we can see each other regularly. For a time when he's sure I'm not going to stomp all over him and eat his soul. Why?

(Picture removed in the interest of privacy)

Because from where I'm standing, this looks perfect to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to leave your comment here. I feel loved and adored. Sorry about the extra security, but I'm tired of getting emails from Anonymous users posting junk in my comments.