Thursday, July 24, 2014

Reopen that wound

If you tuned in yesterday you are well aware of the heart break I've been dealing with. I don't know how well I'm succeeding but I'm attempting anyway.

I was doing ok. Surviving on boring first dates and movie nights alone. I had been nearly two months since I last wrote to Bam. One night I was sitting in my reading chair with a good book when this text came to my phone:

UNKNOWN: Missy, this is Bam's gf of 8 months and i don't appreciate u stalking MY man time for u to move on! u had ur chance and blew it he is happy now ttfn

No, I didn't just have a seizure while typing that. It's exactly as I received it, except I changed his real name to his blog name, Bam.

I sat there dumb struck for a moment. I mean, who the hell randomly texts someone they have never met with some stupid shit like that? Immediately I equated her with a child. I answered her though. Just to clear it up:

MISSY: I haven't tried to contact him in almost 2 months. Safe to say I got the message. But if it makes you feel better to piss on his leg, mission accomplished.

UNKNOWN: Makes me feel wonderful! Glad u caught a clue cause a hint 4 u... U sound like a psycho stalker... Js ttfn

MISSY: Really? And "ttfn" is a completely normal, adult sign off (winky smiley face) Just take good care of him, and I'll leave you guys alone. Deal?

I knew she was baiting me and I wasn't getting sucked into that drama. Clearly, since she is up to date on his personal mail, she knows I haven't written in two months. So why now, so out of the blue? Like I said, she was looking for a fight. Trust that I ain't that girl. If you want to get down and dirty with me, put on your big girl pants and do it face to face. Until then, you aren't even a blip on my radar.

This whole exchanged bugged the crap out of me for so many reasons. First, I was doing better. I still love him, still miss him. BUT I'm capable of seeing that he didn't intend to reconnect. I was leaving it alone. And then this girl comes to open old wounds.

It strikes me as odd that she would text me. I have never met or spoken to her before. So I put some thought into how she got my number. I suspect she read his mail without his knowledge. I suspect he had no idea that she text me. Because, of Bam, I know this much; He does not like drama! I would be shocked if he'd given her the number and asked her to text me. He is a peace keeper. Content to leave well enough alone. I can't picture him inviting a cat fight into his life. I'm pretty confident that if he knew she text me he would be livid.

And since those texts, I'm back on the Bam wagon. Fuck My Life. In my head I contemplate every possible scenario. Maybe he never got the letters... Maybe she intercepted them. Maybe it was really him texting me to see if I would fight for him. Though I would think he knows better. I told him I only want him to be happy. Even if it's with another woman. Maybe I should send another letter but write it to her, since I know she's going to be the one reading it. Maybe, they are having issues because he still isn't over me, and she felt it necessary to be on the offensive.

You see my problem now? I was doing fine, and I do mean that as the acronym, but still. I was leaving it alone and now I feel the drawn right back in. Why can't I just walk away?




Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Blah

I feel like absolute crap. It may have something to do with getting drunk last night. A friend and I went to Flippers to play air hockey. I got my ass kicked, which is rare in air hockey. So I decided we should play pool. I got schooled again, which is normal. I suck at pool in general but without a few beers in me, it's laughable. At that point we went to a bar so we could drink beer while playing pool.

It worked. I really do play better when I'm buzzed. I think it has something to do with not trying so hard when I'm drinking. There was one game where I made 5 shots In A Row! I did good. Evened the odds so to say.

Until, we decided that every time we scratched we should pound beer. Yeah, it wasn't long before I couldn't see straight. But we had a blast. I needed to get out and stop thinking about the trials of daily life. Getting home at midnight and waking up at 4:30 am after drinking too much is NOT a good idea.

I had to leave my house at 6:30 am to drive an hour in order to pick Itty Bit up from her dads. We made it back to the house in just enough time for me to leave for work. It's been a long ass day!

Now, I'm depressed again. I hope it's the lack of sleep and dealing with my day via hangover. But I worry that tomorrow won't be any better. I'm angry and sad and lonely.

Why

I told him.

I never rarely regret anything I do. If I feel like something should be done or said, I will usually do or say it. So without regret, I told Bam how I was feeling.

I didn't actually set out to. I had been "pining" for him a long time. Nothing was making the ache go away. So I started writing it down. My thoughts. Letters that I never intended to send. I was hoping if I got it out I could start to heal.

But then I thought if I don't tell him how I feel and there was still a chance I WILL regret that!

Knowing I probably wouldn't be received with open arms, I sent a large envelope containing all the letters I'd written to that point. I did not hold anything back. I told him I loved him and that I never stopped. That I hoped he was finding happiness and I never wanted anything else for him. I put it out there that even if there is no chance of getting back together I still want to be friends. That I miss him.

While I waited I kept writing to him. In a black hard covered book, never meant to be sent. If he re-appeared I would give it to him, but not until then. I cried... A LOT. I hypothetically kicked myself in the ass and him in the balls, for fucking it all up.

There was nothing. Not a word back. Well I put it out there. Does that make it stop hurting? No. But at least I don't have regret on top of that pain.

On the last page of my little book I wrote that I was putting it away. That I wouldn't try to contact him again. I would use the book to look back and remember the pain that I went through and try to use it to avoid future situations. And then I tucked the book away and left it alone.

So why...? Why can't I stop. Bam sneaks into my thoughts everyday. Some days are worse than others. Most days I'll hear or see something that reminds me of him and I'll smile.

Other days EVERYTHING slams me in the gut and I just can't escape. Every song on the radio, going to Wendy's, driving past the skate park. Hell just being at the beach, where I work, can bring it on. Someone mentions The Walking Dead, I think about Bam. Brushing my teeth, because he was such a nazi about his clean teeth. Someone farting, because he did it frequently and thought it was funny.  And sometimes it's days at a time, or a week.

It's particularly bad when the girls aren't home and I'm left alone. Last night I watched the latest episode of True Blood. Sookie had wrapped herself in her dead boyfriends jacket just to feel his arms around her again. She then decides to sleep in it. I can relate to that. Some days I sleep in Bam's hoodie. Don't ask me why. Because it was his favorite? Because he gave it to me? It's irrational, but I do it anyway.

And it's been this way for 8 months. At what point should I consider seeking professional help? Is this what love is and I just didn't know it? Are broken hearts supposed to be broken this long? Or am I going mental?

Stay tuned... Tomorrow I'm gonna tell you about his New Girlfriend texting me.






Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Still Alive

It's been about a year since I published anything on this blog. I wrote some blog posts about how awful life had been in the winter. How Bobby was in the closet and in denial. How DQ is still bat shit crazy and there isn't anything I can do about it. How I still love Bam. How I ended up stuck in the ghetto, just me and my girls.  I never "published" any of the posts. They were just too damn depressing. But lets play a little catch up shall we...

Bobby Rocks and I broke up, obviously. Actually it was more like, he figured out living with me didn't kill his urge for man on man porn. So he just left. Not without doing a whole list of assholish things first, but he did leave. It was a good thing. Yes, I was planning on leaving him. He just beat me to it.

I moved back to The Beach. Thank God I had a stash of money tucked away for such emergencies. It cost me about 3 grand but my kids are back in the beach school system and doing better.

DQ has been back to the hospital twice. One time they committed her for a week. I've come to realize this trend is never going to change. It will always be up and down with her. They can't officially diagnose her with anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy) until she is 18, but thats the road we are currently going down.

I've tried to date. I've been on maybe 10 first dates. Some I saw more than once. It's not working out well. In fact I've given up for the time being. I realized I was looking for a replacement for Bam. And as no one has been able to take away that pain yet, I'm throwing in the towel.

We got a new cat. Her name is Rizzoli. Spaz was lonely here all day by herself, so I thought a kitten would be a good thing. Spaz hid in the kitchen cabinet for a week. Until she realized that little thing was here to stay. Now they are besties. They run the kittie 500 together. The only problem with Rizzoli... she was a dog in her last life. She always wants to be outside. We take her for walks. She plays fetch... and sits on command. It's odd, but I guess it's what makes her fit into my crazy family.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Carnival of Madness

Went to a concert this past weekend.  We had a lot of fun.

There were 5 bands on the ticket... including Papa Roach, Skillet and Shinedown. The band I went to see was In This Moment. There weren't nearly as good live. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Papa Roach was awesome. I would never set out to see them specifically, but I'm glad I got the chance. They put on a good show and the music was great.

Bobby took some pictures of me while we were there. I'm sort of wondering if I've lost too much weight. I don't much care for this picture, but it illustrates what I'm thinking. I'm weighing in at 125 these days, but this looks odd to me. Too skinny?


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Throw Caution to the Wind

So much has happened since my last post. Lets see....

My roomie tried to screw me out of money by telling me the water bill was $300 when it was actually $150 or so. I found out about that when she waited until I went to work and then cornered my boyfriend to tell him I owe her money. Funny thing was, I didn't actually owe her any money. All my bills were paid up and THEN SOME!

Eh, fuck it. This post isn't about bitchin'. It's about the good things in life. Starting with the fact that Bobby and I are moving in together. We spend all of our free time together anyway. So when things started going south here, we started talking about getting our own place. I would have asked him to move in with us, but my roomie has made life unpleasant and stressful, to say the least.




He adores me. He treats my girls like little princess'. And I love him. What more is there?

We found a cute little 3 bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood. DQ and Itty Bit can't wait! They are as sick of living here as I am. Plus they really like Bobby. I think we are all looking forward to being a little family.

I know, it sounds kind of crazy. But the way I see it, it's so crazy it just might work. And you know me... I'm nothing if not a little nuts.

So... the best thing about this house? It doesn't need a single repair. Not even a drop of paint. It's going to be so nice to live in a place that doesn't need any fixing up.

UPDATE:
March 2014

Turns out Bobby is in the closet and trying to convince himself he's not. Also turns out I'm a moron and my bipolar leads me to do stupid shit, like move in with someone I barely know. Of course every thing changed as soon as we lived together. I was no longer adored and my kids were hell spawn, (his view, not mine,)

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Motor Mouth

I don't understand how someone's mouth can run 400 miles a minute as soon as their feet hit the floor...

I am not an overly talkative person. I know this is shocking to readers, but it's true. I write. And even when I do talk it's not at 6:30 am.

My roomie, I swear to God, must talk in her sleep. All day long. And whats worse, is she tells me the same shit over and over. Like she's forgotten whom she told her latest drama to already. I guess that's a good thing. I can pretend to listen and I'm not missing anything because I've heard it already.

The woman follows me around the house. She's talked to me through the bathroom door. I don't even let my kids do that. I'm sittin' there on the pot thinkin' 'Are you fucking kidding me?'

I get that she is girly, and girls chatter. It makes me roll my eyes. Makes me want to stick my finger down my throat, but I get it.

Yesterday was a special kind of day. I was up late and didn't even have coffee in hand yet before she started. At some point she asked what was wrong. "I'm not even awake yet." I told her. She tried like hell to be quiet, but still made noises with out saying words. I knew it was taking all of her strength not to talk.

I was up until nearly 1 with Bobby last night. So another late start for me, and again, before I had coffee in hand, her mouth was moving. This morning I was battered with her theories on free love in Europe, the reasons why we are puritan and prison sex. Great topics for morning coffee... NOT!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Fat Girl

I bet you never would have guessed I got fat! I'm not sure how this happened. Well, I am, but I didn't realize it was happening at all. Truly, I was oblivious. It never registered in my brain that I was wearing size 14 jeans. I didn't take the hint when my knees started hurting more often. I am always the one taking pictures, so I never really saw myself.

And then one day my fat ass stepped on a scale. For the first time in years, mind you. And what I saw almost made me faint.

I stretch to reach 5'2” in height. Keep in mind, pre-children, I was a 110 lb Go-Go dancer.


Young and skinny.

Many years, and two healthy babies later, I looked more like a blob of human. It happened slowly. I suppose that is a contributing factor to why I had no clue. But about two years ago, I stepped on a scale and was instantly pissed. The number: 170


Older and Wider (not wiser)

In the middle

And why was I pissed, you ask? Because no one told me I'd gotten fat. Maybe they were trying to spare my feelings. Maybe they thought I knew. Well I didn't. And I've spoken to the people who are close with me and asked why they didn't tell me. They just laughed and didn't take it serious.

60 lbs overweight is A LOT on a 5'2” frame. A 42” waist was just ridiculous! I had no problems getting motivated to lose it and get back into shape. And I'll tell ya, it came off a lot faster than it went on. All I did at first was quit eating garbage. Limiting my sugar to only my coffee. I also stopped eating so much. I took to heart the “fist size servings” the experts recommend.

When I started seeing improvements, I put more effort in. I started working out. Shadow boxing, dancing and more. It didn't take long... I was getting buff. I didn't make radical changes. Opting instead for the simple things. Parking far from the store so I could walk more. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator. It's the little things, trust me.

Today I am much happier. A 29” waist is so much cuter on me. Sure I'm not at 110, nor do I think I'll ever be again. That's not the goal. It's to be in better shape. To put some effort in. Lemme tell ya, going to the thrift store to buy size 6 jeans, because the 8's won't stay up, is fucking awesome!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

We Call This Progress

 It's official. Itty Bit is the most clumsy. She's now had more stitches than I have.

When she was about 4, she fell and busted her face on a vacuum. It was a nice lightening bolt shaped split that required 3 stitches. It took 3 nurses and me to hold her down so the doctor could stitch her up. She screamed so hard she burst the blood vessels in her eyes.

This time, she slipped in the bathtub and smacked her chin on the edge. I debated just butterflying it at home, but every time she talked, it gaped. So off to the ER we went.

This time it only took me and a nurse to hold her down. She didn't struggle much. Though she did try to bite the nurse. A couple of times actually. She was mostly calm when the Doctor was actually stitching.

We call this progress. Maybe next time, she'll be good and not have to be wrapped up and restrained.


Friday, July 26, 2013

Playing Catch Up

I've been away, and not had time to read all my wonderful blog broads. I promise I am going to catch up. You can read along with me if you like. This is what I'm reading...

All Fooked Up  

Shoulda Been a Stripper

Ann's Rants

Seriously Shawn

I'm Gonna Kill Him

Enjoy.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

This One Time...

At Chat Camp...

My readers know I'm a dorky chatter. I know you are all making fun of me, I just don't care... Anyways. Mama Kat issued her writing prompts for this week and it was so funny that #2 on the list was " That one time you went camping"

As it happens I was "Camping" just last weekend. Bobby and I took off Friday morning on a 4 hour drive to go hang out with a bunch of our chat friends. All in all I think 14 people showed up. Bobby brought all his DJ gear and he mixed live. It was streamed into the chat room all weekend. Friday evening was pretty chill. I had a horrible headache so I didn't drink.

 DJ Bobby

Saturday, on the other hand, was a much different story. I think I cracked my first beer at 2 in the afternoon. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't drink often. So when I do it doesn't take much. By 5 or 6 I was toasted. I'd been thrown in the pool a couple of times. We played a drinking game. Music trivia, which I won. I did my victory dance on a speaker. I was subsequently scooped off the speaker and thrown into the pool... again.

Music Trivia Drinking game

At some point during the day, after my hair had been completely destroyed, someone loaned me their flat iron to fix it. Can I just tell you, one thing you don't ever want to do while intoxicated is try to straighten your hair. I burned the hell out of my fingers. Hey! Mirrors are tricky when your trashed.

 Thrown in... Again.

The other attendees decided it would be awesome if we had the first ever live chat wedding. For some reason Bobby and I were the obvious choice. So we got "chat married" He gave me a frito ring. I ate it before the ceremony was done. Instead of rice, the wedding goers threw water balloons. Aaaand my hair was fucked up again. My fingers hurt to bad to attempt to fix it. And really.... By that point I just didn't care anymore.

 The Chat Wedding

I broke a candle holder and cut my toe on the glass. I know, Only me! No one else was injured during this camping trip. Oh wait, there was that girl I burned with my cigarette. But I don't think she can be blamed for her injury so it doesn't count.

 Playing the part of Obnoxious Brat

I spent the better part of the evening in Bobby's lap while he tried to DJ. I don't think he minded. Everyone else thought it was funny. All in all, I had a blast. I didn't puke... I didn't get naked.... and my hangover wasn't unbearable. In my book, that's a good night!


 You join in on the writing prompt fun. I tell ya, that Mama Kat broad has a good thing going. Hop on over and see what it's about.

Mama’s Losin’ It







Wednesday, July 24, 2013

In Which DQ is Getting Better

We have been working hard on DQ throughout the Spring. She was on the Ablify, and doing so much better. She was a pleasure to be around again. I could see my little girl was still in there somewhere.

They have changed her meds, because she gained 15 lbs on the Abilify. I'm not sure I like the new one, but we are trying it. I have to option to go back if we want.



We've been able to do more things together. I've had the joy of watching her smile and laugh again. I can't express what a relief it is to know this will get better. Because it's really had to enjoy being a parent when your child gets in your face and says "I don't give a fuck what you think."

Recently we went to the beach in the evening, after the sun had set. We walked in the water with our shoes off. I watched her collect shells with excitement. She was a child again. The angry ball of rage was no where to be seen. It nearly brought me to tears to see her this way. I thought I'd never get her back.

I'm looking forward to more positive changes. And I think she is too.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Best Times

Y'all have seen me go through some shit. Some of the worst life can offer. Back in February of this year I tipped my head to the sky and asked God, "How much more am I expected to take before I just can't handle it anymore?"

I was serious. I just didn't understand why. What had I done to earn so much strife? And why did it all have to happen at once?

This past weekend, Bobby and I went on a little road trip. We went to camp with some friends of ours. Two days of no one calling me Mom or wanting me to cook or clean. It was fabulous. On the way back, during which he drove because I was so hungover, I remembered something I'd heard a long time ago.

 'God gives his best children the hardest time so that the fruits of heaven may be sweeter.'

That isn't the exact quote, but it's how I translated and/or remember it. I laid back with my head in the seat and watched this beautiful man as he drove us through back woods Virginia. I couldn't help but to realize that he IS my good thing.

Bobby wears this look of contentment on his face. Always smiling. And when he looks at me, his eyes light up. There is just a hint of fear behind them. He's been hurt too. But he's ready to give it another go. He's putting his whole being into loving me.

I'll admit, I've jumped in with both feet. I don't know how it happened. I don't even care why. I just know that it is. I have faith in this thing called love again.

Bobby has driven out at least every other weekend to see me. This last trip lasted a week. It was amazing... Getting to wake up beside him every morning. 

He left this morning to go home. He has things he needs to take care of there. But he'll be back in a week. The time spent apart is not easy but we are managing. For now. He's been looking at places here. The idea of him being with-in arms reach is very appealing to me.

Ok, I'm done being a girl now.

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Must Be Crazy

Yeah I must be crazy. Actually, I'm very up front with people on this point. My chat name is Crazy Tat2ed Chick. All three of those things are true.

Please don't roll your eyes at this post. Clearly I need to have my head checked.

He is:
6 foot tall with tanned skin and broad shoulders.
His eyes are deep. He thinks they are guarded but I see him clearly just by looking in his eyes.
He is older than me by 5 years. I know, it's a first. Usually the young pups are chasing me down.
He is responsible and mature.
Yet a class clown and the life of the party.
He is very good looking and he's got the prettiest mouth you've ever seen on a man.
He kisses like his life depends on it. That's important.
He is giving and kind, almost to a fault.
He can keep up his end of the conversation.

And he is also a chatter. The same chatter who lives 400 miles away. The one I was supposed to be safe from because he was so far away. I know, someone needs to smack me. I swore I would never date another chatter. But he's so fucking charming and charismatic.

When the topic of long distance relationships came up, I told him that I wasn't interested for one reason only.
If things work out and we really get on, we will eventually want to be closer together, right? I can't leave this area, because of my custody situation. And I would never ask someone to leave their job and come here. I'm so freakin' smart and level headed sometimes, it's scary.

But then he says, "Let me make something clear to you, dahlin'"
Oh this is going to be good. He's going to say, he's only DTF, and there will be no long term. I am soooo out!
"My job goes where I go." he says. "I was ready to move to The Beach 2 years ago, and do my job with my toes in the sand."
Oh.
"My house will be paid off in 2 years and I don't plan to stay here much longer after that."
Oh.
Well that just threw a wrench in all my carefully thought out logic!
And boy am I glad he did. He came to visit. Sort of a get to know ya, see how we meld kind of thing. Like two dorky peas in a pod. It is good. I am happy.

And did I mention he's funny. I was on the phone with him when he dialed up On-Star to get directions to my house. When the lady answered and asked what she could help with, Bobby said, "Yes. I want to go see this really hot girl who lives in virginia beach. Can you tell me how to get to her house."

He is also so sweet and romantic, it's nearly blown me away. While discussing whether I could drive out to see him, he said he would be the one to do the traveling. And when I pouted he said, "Hasn't a man ever cared enough about you to want to do these things for you?" I didn't have an answer for that.

Chatters, as a group, get together sometimes to do dorky stuff. I've been known to plan many get togethers for local chatters. There is a chat camp event coming up. At first there was no way in hell I was going. (Bam was going to be there) Then I thought about it, and I might go, but not tell everyone. And now... Now I can't wait. Bobby and I will get to spend the weekend together, hanging out with our friends and being big chat dorks.

Yeah, Life is Good!

Friday, July 5, 2013

This Motha Fucka

Ah the boys of chat... Bam fucked up my chatting for a long time. I didn't even sign into the chat client for a long ass time, so as not to "bump into" him. Then when I did go back I avoided him. If I went into a room, and he was there, I left. But here's the thing... The room he was hanging out in, everyone else was there too. Seeing as I did nothing wrong, I decided fuck it. I can hang out there and ignore him. Surely we can act like grown fucking adults, right? Right?

Uh, no. Apparently not.

Real quick, for those people who aren't familiar with chat, let me share...
I chat on Paltalk. Each chat room has an owner. Usually the owner designates a couple of people to keep an eye on things. Such as, no nudity on cam or in profiles. (it happens) No bugging the crap out of the girls trying to hook up... you get the idea. These people are called Admins. I quickly figured out why Bam was always in that room, he is an Admin.

Well great. He has the power to kick me out whenever he wants. Whatever. I'll ignore him, and it will be fine. It quickly become apparent that he's trying to get people against me. No one really talks to me. Which is odd, because they used to before. Huh? Ok, it'll just take some time for the newness of the Bam/Missy drama to wear off. They'll see that I'm awesome, and things will go back to normal.

Well let me get straight to the point. Bam is fucking crazy! It takes a while but I finally figure out that while we were dating he installed some kind of program on my laptops that allow him remote access somehow.
He knew the moment I opened a dating profile.
He knew when I started talking to another chatter.
My PayPal got hacked, TWICE. Wonder what that was?
And when I created a different nickname to sing in the room under, he was the only one who knew it was me.

Keep in mind, that we have not contacted each other AT ALL since he told me to keep the ring and hoodie. (I gave the hoodie to DQ.)
The nastiness started slowly. Little barbs that only I knew were meant to be hurtful. So I sent him a quick email asking that we not bring drama in the room and just get along. Water under the bridge and all. And little did I know, that behind the scenes he was telling people all kinds of crazy shit.

Meanwhile, all the girls love him. He gets on cam with no shirt on and they all soak their panties over him. Fine by me. Until they all treat me like crap cuz I'm "The girl who did him wrong" Oh but wait, Didn't he break up with me? Why yes. And wasn't that like 4 months ago? Yes again.

So this room, that everyone likes because they don't put up with drama and bullshit, quickly turns into a cat fight when I start showing up. And for the most part, I have no idea why or whats really going on.

Then the room owner and I start talking a little. I swore I would never date another chatter. But there is no harm in talking to him. He lives 400 miles away. Safe for me cuz nothing could come of this. In my paranoid head, I somehow think he's fucking with me. All the other Admins hate me. Maybe they are trying to play a fast one on me.

Finally, I'm let in on some of the behind the scenes talk. Bam is telling everyone that I'm stalking him. WHAT? You're out your fucking mind son. I had to laugh at that one because I didn't tap into his computer... it was the other way around. Who is stalking who?

The owner (Bobby) and another Admin start catching on to his little barbs. Bobby sees that Bam is talking about parts of private conversations. Bam is warned multiple times to keep it out of the room. And then it hits the fan.

I'm sitting there minding my own business, waiting to play music trivia, when Bam starts posting zingers in the public room. He basically calls me a whore, and warns Bobby that he'll get used. He is warned one last time. Then Bam sends me a virtual gift. Which everyone in the room can see. "A Kick In The Butt". Nice. Fucking mature of you. Way to show your ass moron! I didn't respond. I just sat and watched.

By that point Bobby has had enough. Bam is stripped of his admin rights, booted from the room and banned for life.

He immediately messages Bobby and says "Missy is only talking to you to get to me."

Then he messages another Admin and says he still loves me. Ah, I'm gonna have to call bullshit on that one.

The room looses 2 female admins, because they think Bobby is taking my side, simply because he wants to get with me. People are so clueless. Girls are especially stupid sometimes. No wonder I hang out with mostly guys.

Through out this whole thing, I've given Bobby the short version of what happened between me and Bam. He asked. I was honest. And the both of us are confused, because he broke up with me. There has been no contact since then. Why is he acting like this? Bobby seems to think Bam will try to get me back. And he is worried that I might accept him. Ah, not even if hell froze over!!! Sorry, I don't do psycho.

That night, he was acting like such a lunatic, I was actually scared. I just knew he was going to blame me for him loosing his room. Even though I didn't say a word. But clearly he was not thinking straight. Every time I went outside to smoke, I sat with my Glock in my lap. I'll be the first to tell you, men do stupid shit.

Fast forward a little bit, and I still can't figure out why he acted like that. He's never contacted me directly. Finally, the other day I had an Ah-ha moment. It's an ego thing with Bam, He was thinking when he dumped me that I would pine and cry over him. Beg him back. Clearly he didn't know me well, because Missy does not chase boys. And when I did come back to chat, I didn't start drama. Didn't flirt with him. I ignored him and started talking to someone else... He realized I didn't want him. His little feelings were hurt. His ego bruised. I really don't think Bam wants me back. And even if he did, that bridge burned long ago. No, He doesn't want me. He would like to think I can't live without him. And it eats him alive that our history is no skin off my nose.



Thursday, July 4, 2013

All Settled In

I know, I know. It's been a long ass time since you's heard from me. I'm a busy bitch, what can I say? The house I moved into needed a whole lot more work than I was lead to believe. Every square inch needed paint. And that would have been simple enough, if the last asshole to paint this joint hadn't used oil based paint. For those who don't know, other paints won't stick to oil. FML. But it's almost done now. I'm to the point where I can sit back and enjoy the place.

My roomie is a spaz and she talks way too much for my taste. But... she doesn't have 4 cats that never get cleaned up after. Also, she is pretty clean. I can't bitch too much.

Her kids are great... usually. And we have a nice system of babysitting so we can take turns doing stuff without our kids. Just last weekend I had her kids so she could go camping. I'm awesome right? Yeah, I know.

So there ya have it. I'm back. Don't groan. I heard ya's. It's not that bad. Catch ya on the flip side.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Excused Absence

For those of you not following along, I'm moving. Only a couple houses down, but still. The same amount of work will be required.

Before I can move though, the new house needs a tiny bit of work. Mainly the carpets need to be cleaned and everything needs to be painted. The homeowner had a nasty cat, and their kids peeled the paint in spots, just for fun.

So that's what I'll be doing this weekend. We've got a brand new carpet cleaner and a bottle of enzyme solution. We've got a 5 gallon bucket of Behr premium paint. My new roomie and I will be up to our elbows in making the new house beautiful.

And really, I can't wait.

I never asked to move in with the roommates we have now. The wife suggested it. It was to be a win/win situation. They could get their house out of foreclosure, and I would have a live in babysitter to get my kids off the bus.

My current roommates did not keep their promises.

This house was supposed to be a good place for my kids. I was told that she wouldn't yell at or punish my children. I was told she would be around to help my kids with homework and snack in the afternoon. I was told that we would all work together on things like meals and cleaning.

The reality is:
My kids, especially DQ, get treated like second class citizens. The wife has threatened to punch my child. The husband has told her not to speak to him ever again.

Her idea of helping my kids in the afternoon is to unlock the door for them. And many days, she's forgotten to do that. I get a call from my neighbor saying Itty Bit is locked out.

They don't clean anything, especially the litter boxes for their 4 cats. I've been told everything smells like cat piss and menthol cigarettes. (I don't have a sense of smell) They left their Christmas tree up until the end of February. Hell there are still lights hanging off the house.

In the time we've been here, ONE meal has been served that I didn't cook. One time, I came home and dinner was already cooking. And even then, I had to clean up after it. I was responsible for dinner every single day except that one.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am miserable in a mess. My home has always been clean and organized. I'm slightly germ phobic. All this filth had nearly driven me crazy.

My new roomie, Mel, is awesome. She is also a single mother with 2 kids. Her oldest is autistic. We're going to call him Whip, because he is as smart as one. He is high functioning because of the love and attention she's paid to him. Her youngest is Itty Bit's best friend. We're going to call her Fire. One, because she has beautiful red hair, and two because she is a fire cracker!

Mel is Itty Bit's girl scout troop leader. She is clean and organized. At least that's what I've seen when I visit. Lets hope it stays that way.

We've pooled our resources to make a nice home. She has a vacuum, I have pots and pans. Together we're going to provide our kids a safe, clean, fun and loving home.

We both look forward to big family meals and family game night. Our home is going to be filled with music and laughter.

On a side note, I have a second date this weekend. We're going to call him Aquarius. He has long, blond hair crawling down his back. He is funny as hell. I think I scare him just a bit, but he's being brave in asking me out. We had a couple drinks at Applebee's earlier this week. And the kiss goodnight was the best one I've had in more years than I can remember. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to more of those.

So for now, I'm going to be away from the blog world. Shouldn't take me too long. And the internet is being turned at the new house Monday.

Until I get things settled, or something happens that's so extrodinary I can't wait to share....

Love   Peace   and chicken grease~!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Tell My Mama What

Another fabulous writing prompt from Mama Kat:
5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Mother

My mom is 76 years old. Be that as it may, she is still about all most of her wits. She is my favorite adult person. She is the one I turn to when I need to vent or moan about a problem.

Still, as close to being a Girlfriend as she is, there are things I would never say to her. It might be funny to see her reaction though, if I were brave and not with-in smacking distance.

1: You would not believe the amazing sex I had last night.
     I know! This one is obvious. But still. My Mom and I have been known to get tipsy on a bottle of wine together. It would be nice if I could share something good for a change.

 2: I got my tongue pierced. And then stick your tongue out to show her.
     I'm telling you this one from experience. Because, at age 26, I did just that. She was so mad she threw a 2 liter. It was at that point I decided not to tell her I got my nipple done, too.

3: Your best friend and I had a chat today about sex. She encouraged me to masturbate and wanted to know if I had toys.
     Yeah... this is a true story. My Mom's best friend and I had this exact conversation, when I was single. She has since passed away, and I want my Mom to remember her friend as not being a perv.

4: You were much nicer when you smoked.
     My Mom is one of THOSE people, when it comes to smoking. She smoked for years. She has since been a non-smoker for years. She acts like my smoking is a personal assault on her.

5: Your other daughter is a bitch!
     Some of you know, my Mom is my foster Mom. To me she will always be My Mom. She had adult children by the time she got me. My "sister" has never liked me. Or my kids. Or really anyone else that I know of. She looks down her nose at all of us. Unless she needs my Mom to fly to California to take care of her kid for three weeks.


You can play too.
Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

When it All Works Out

You want to talk about stress? I got a quick rundown for ya.

I am a single mom with no financial or co-parenting support.
I struggle to pay my bills Every Single Week.
DQ is Bi-polar and everyday is a test of my self control not to smack her.
Between Work, Girl Scouts, Dr. appointments, Court.... I run around like headless chicken.
My roommates are absolute slobs.
Everyday it's my responsibility to feed and clean up after EVERYONE in my house.
I have to find a new home for my dog.
I can't afford a real lawyer to take The Douche to court for alimony.
The Douche CAN afford a lawyer to thwart all my court actions.
I have been advised by my Legal Aid "Attorney" to find a better place to live.

I could keep going but I think you get the point.  The important one on the list is the last one.  I won't go into detail about that one right now, except to say, if I don't move, I risk losing custody of Itty Bit. Yeah, OVER MY DEAD BODY!

Alright, so when I picked myself up off the floor, and put on my big girl pants, I found a perfect opportunity. Itty Bit's Girls Scout leader needs a new roommate because hers are moving out of state. It's a 5 bedroom house, with plenty of room for everyone. She is clean and organized. I can afford the rent/bills. The girls won't have to change schools. Perfect! Right?

Except that I couldn't save up for the first months rent. When The Douche paid his child support back in December, they took away my food stamps. Which was fine by me. Until he stopped paying it in January. Then I was screwed. They will reinstate them in April. Until then I use whats left of my paycheck to feed everyone. I pay my household bills on a week by week basis.When it's all said and done there is nothing left To Save.

I was really looking forward to my tax returns. I was golden on that alone. Until they took all $4000+ of it for a 14 year old debt. Then I was fucked again. Until The Mural came up. I was saved again at that point. Until she changed her mind. Then I was... you know. I have already signed a rental agreement for the 1st of April. That's less than a week away. I'm screwed in every way but the good one. I'm also freaking out!

I don't subscribe to organized religion. I think church is a crock of crap. But I am spiritual. I've been asking God How much more am I expected to handle before I just give up? What have I done to deserve all this? Why do my girls get punished? When is enough enough? I prayed that he would help me with my current dilemma so I can give my kids a better place to live.

Yesterday I sent DQ out to check the mail. She came back with an envelope that looked a lot like a government check. Addressed to me. Maybe child support? Ha, over HIS dead body. No, it was a remaining balance of $950 from my tax return. My debt is paid and there was some change! I nearly cried in relief. And then text my roomie-to-be to inform her!

Not only can I pay my first months rent and move out of this shit hole... But my debt is paid. So when the Human Services Department of the city hiring police officers checks my credit history, that won't be a flashing sign of "Irresponsibility"! Oh, didn't I mention I am in the application process for the police department? No? Well that's another post for another day.

Yes, every day I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. But somehow, when it really, really counts, we manage to pull through. I can only attribute this to the grace of God.


Monday, March 25, 2013

Pricing My Services

I may have mentioned that I'm a custom painter. I look forward to the rare occasions when I get to paint a mural. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I am like a giddy child.

I love to paint. I am fortunate to get paid to do it.

Recently, a client inquired about a mural in her young sons room. She wants a jungle theme. I went over and talked to her. Gave her some sketches. Drew a floor plan of the room and noted where she wanted each element.

On the main wall, with no windows or doors, she wants a complete mural, edge to edge. The wall is about 9 feet by 9 feet. Not huge, but not small either.  In another corner she wants a recreation of a funky tree I did on another mural. In yet another corner she wants a jungle tree with a monkey in it. These are the layouts I came up with.

Beach front view. Water and sky with cliffs.







Funky tree



My problem in doing these is how much do I charge? These are the only projects I get to price out myself. Because I run the show on these. No one else I work with can really do these. I am a fine line artistic painter. But how much is my time and talent worth?

For this mural I decided to charge what I am normally billed out at on large projects. $35.00 an hour. It's a relatively simple project, so I estimate it will take me 40 hours of painting. That works out to be $1400.00. Now that doesn't sound high to me. But what if it does to the clients? They can afford it. Just trust me on that. But just because a client is well off doesn't mean they are going to be okay with your price.

On the other hand...

There is another VERY GOOD mural painter in our area. His work is all over the city. He recently did a 9x9 foot mural and charged $12,000.00 for it. Yes twelve thousand! I could never see charging that much to paint a wall. I wouldn't be so high on myself to think my talent is worth that. It's exorbitant as far as I'm concerned. But his work is EVERYWHERE. So other people don't think it's too high, obviously.

Whats the middle ground? What is a fair price that a private home owner might be willing to pay? Help me out here please!


The tree she wants duplicated. 

UPDATE:
Before I could even get this up and ready to comment on, the client changed her mind. Or her son did rather. He now wants fat head cars. Whatever the hell those are. They are ordering some kind of sticker to put on the wall. Seriously bummed now.

 

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