Saturday, April 25, 2015

Dear Diary

I've come to realize, this blog is more for me than for the readers. Some days, I just have stuff I want to write down, for some, God only knows, reason. 

Life is good. Not great. I don't think it will ever be great. Lowering my expectations has made it easier to enjoy the here and now. 

We (the girls and I) are still in the same apartment we moved to over a year ago. No roomies, or live-in boyfriends. Just the three of us. I've survived the last year without any serious relationships. I've spent my time working, seeing my friends, and trying to get DQ on track. 

I did go on some dates, and I was seeing someone for about 3 months.  But as I have zero tolerance for bullshit, I have no problem walking away from assholes. I'm actually seeing someone now, but as it's relatively new, I'll hold my tongue for now. 

I've put a lot of my energy into DQ. I did all the things ALL the previous therapist told me to. The sort version is, she is not going to change. She hasn't committed a big enough crime to go to residential. I have to deal with her, in my house, until she is 18. We have an in home therapist who comes here 4 days a week, for a couple hours at a time. The therapist helps me A LOT more than she helps DQ. Because DQ does not want the help.

I've been painting. This probably doesn't surprise you. But I think I'm getting faster and better at it. I got an airbrush and learned how to use it. Now I can paint portraits, where I couldn't previously. I'll share some of those later.

I finally got that tattoo of the phoenix I wanted. It only took me 4 years, because it was a huge chunk of money.  

I got it all done at once, because, I am not known for my patience. 4.5 hours, but totally worth it. Getting tattooed is my therapy. And as you may know, I've gone through some major changes, so the phoenix is relevant to who I am as a person.

And I got another tattoo about a month later.

One of my very best friends died back in Oct. When life was shit, Alex could usually pull a smile out of me. We were very close, and his sudden passing had me shut down for months. He got drunk, got on his motorcycle and wrecked it. He was on life support for a couple of days. Seeing him in the hospital, seeing his mother cry for him... Words can not describe what I felt that day. 

He used to text me randomly: Smile Cupcake. Like he knew when I was having a bad day. And, he was a bad boy, with devilish ways. I still miss him like crazy, and it feels odd not to get a random text or call from him. But it's getting better.

So I'm good on tattoos for the moment. Not that I'm not thinking about the next one, but I'm running low on space and funds.

Today is April 25, 2015. It is going to be a good day.