Sunday, June 28, 2015

The Precipice

I'm standing at the bottom of the hill. I can see straight up the mountain. All the winters snow balanced precariously on top of itself.

I can feel the tiniest rumble. Almost unnoticeable unless you're standing there waiting for it to happen. I know this tiny shift is going to change the landscape permanently.

The question is, do I take off running now? Or do I wait for the first crack?

The avalanche is coming. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it. It's almost certain I can't out run it. And if I take off too soon, I'll miss important clues.  

It's enough to make one just give up. The worrying about it is as bad as the avalanche itself.

This is not a dream. Or nightmare, as it were. It's my years of observation helping me predict the future.

Even under the threat of being placed in residential treatment for 2 years, DQ still doesn't care. Even after I told her, once she goes to residential, she won't be welcomed back into my home.  We (her therapist and I) gave her a now or never ultimatum. DQ has chosen never.

Silly me, always with the hope. Two months ago, I made up a chore contract for both of my girls. Explaining that if they do 85% of their chores, they could earn back TV. That didn't affect DQ. She just waited until I went to work to watch her TV. Never even attempting to do her basic, simple, every-teenager-has-them, chores. Clean the kitchen after dinner and make sure your personal things aren't all over the common living areas. She couldn't do it.

I've spent years trying behavior modifications like this. Mostly positive based. If you do your chores, you can watch TV. I'll give you a dollar for every pound you lose, and once you lose 50 I'll take you shopping for new clothes. Always the optimistic. 

Finally I came to the realization that she is never going to change. She very much displays the signs of early sociopathy. Cruelty to animals, no regard for rules or social order, not affected by consequence, no empathy, remorse or guilt. That was all apparent by the age of 13. In the last three years she's clearly displayed, delusions of grandeur, an increased intensity of violent outbursts, highly defensive and an extreme talent for manipulation. 

FINALLY, my last straw. I've just had it. So I came up with a document, (Everything has to be written in black and white for her) that lays down every exception for her until she is removed from my house. It is extreme. The language is harsh. There is no pleasantry, kindness or love in the text.

I won't post the whole thing here, but I will highlight a few, for context.

*You will not put your hands on anyone for any reason. Failure to follow this rule may lead to corporal punishment, of my choosing. For example being restrained, hit back, push-up position, kneeling or forcibly moved. I don't care if your sister touched you first. You are 16 years old and outweigh her by 100+ lbs. The responsible thing is to walk away and inform an adult. If you put your hands on me again, I WILL defend myself and it will not be pleasant.

*You will not destroy anyones property. To do so will result in the destruction of something that belongs to you, and, depending on the item, be made to pay restitution.  

*You will not raise your voice, use profanity, argue or otherwise be disrespectful to anyone for any reason. If you have a grievance you may write a letter. Which I will read at my convenience. I may or may not give a response.

*You will not use or touch anything that does not belong to you. You may not barter with anyone for any item.

This is extreme right? She's left me with no choice. Because she will slap her sister across the face without warning. She will push me, and spit in my face. She will take a permanent marker and mark "X's" across photos that are irreplaceable. She will try to break my TV. She will scream at me, call me a whore, tell me I'm being a pissy bitch, explain the ways she hopes I die and tell me to chill the fuck out. She will take whatever she wants, without regard to the person it belongs to. She may even lose it or break it and then shrug her shoulders and say oh well.

I did not demand that she agree to the terms of the contract. I simply asked that she sign it to acknowledge she's read it and understands it. In front of her therapist. Who I also gave a copy to. 

That was a week ago. Has anything changed? No. Did I expect it to? No. Do I still feel sorry for her when she can't watch TV? Do I feel guilty for ignoring her completely? Not any more.

Wednesday I found out she stole money out of jeans pocket.
Friday she broke into my bedroom while I was at work. (Keyed entry) Went through everything I have. Private papers in my filing box, my s e x toy box, my jewelry box, my purses... everything. Even my bedside table drawer where my loaded Glock stays while I'm at work. And was she trying to be sneaky? Nope. She left stuff out of place and in plain site. Because she doesn't care if she gets caught. I also found out that she had a guy over to the house while I was at work.    

Is it any wonder I'm ready to rip my hair out?

Tuesday I have another meeting with the people who WILL put her in residential. It's not a matter of can or could. I won't take no for an answer. It's only a matter of when.  And that is where the avalanche comes in. They asked that I bring her with me.

The moment DQ realizes this is a reality and not a threat, all hell is going to break lose. I mean it's going to be an all out war. As much as she thinks the rules don't apply to her now... I can only imagine how bad it's going to get when she knows there is no turning back. She'll have nothing to lose. 

She goes off on me when I make something she doesn't like for dinner. She'll put her hands on me when I take MY iPod away from her. Sometimes it's so bad I hide the knives before I go to bed. What ever she is truly capable of will show itself when she knows she is being removed from my house.

Right now I'm hanging out in a cloud of uncertainty. I don't have a time line. I can't make plans for it. Such as making sure Itty Bit isn't around when the shit hits the fan. I don't know how much energy or strength it's going to take. 

Most days I'm treading water, barely keeping my head up. I'm terrified that this avalanche is going to bury me alive, if I can't keep one step ahead of it.

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