When I'm depressed, lonely, angry or otherwise not feeling emotionally 100%, I try to do things to distract myself. I've learned this lesson over a number of years. If I don't do something to distract myself, I'll do something stupid. Let's not get into all the stupid things I've done in the past. Just trust me, some have been monumental.
As any good human should do, I learned from my mistakes. Now I can recognize when the "you're going to do something really stupid, to make yourself feel better?" signs start to show. Now I can choose to do something completely harmless. And often very rewarding.
I bought some books for my Kindle last night. Isn't the electronic world wonderful? I didn't even have to put on clothes. Mind distracting entertainment was delivered right to my fingertips.
Out of morbid curiosity, I got the 50 Shades of Grey, as told by Christian. Let me save you the trouble. I love to read. So much that I can usually tolerate a poor story line. I even liked the original 50 Shades books, for a time. This newest installment, pure shit. I didn't make it past the third chapter. Don't waste your time.
Eh-hem, moving on. I bought another book, too. It cost me 9 bucks. I read it in about 2 hours. (I'm a very fast reader.) And instead of having Ah-ha moments, I had a bunch of, 'See, I knew it' moments of affirmation.
About 15 years ago, I read "The Gift of Fear." If you've never read this, I HIGHLY recommend it for all humans with vaginas!!! I can't stress this enough. What I learned from that book has served me well in the time since then.
Trust Your Instincts
Should I say that again? Nah, I think you heard me the first time. And what does that have to do with the book that I bought last night, you ask? Everything. The newest book confirms I am not crazy. Even better, I'm right 99% of the time.
When Bobby stopped wanting to have sex, 2 months after we started dating, I knew in my gut something was wrong. I analyzed his behavior and decided that he was still in the closet and having a hot girlfriend helped him keep that secret. I didn't pine over love lost. It was never meant to be, cuz last time I checked, I don't have a penis.
When Arlie got drunk and yelled at me on the phone, I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to work in the long run. Because you don't yell at people you care about. I told him he was out of his mind if he thought I would stand for that. The next morning I gathered all remnants of Arlie and dropped them off at his house. Never to be seen again.
When HotRod let communications dwindle, and didn't pursue time with me, I felt it in my gut. Something was off. I followed my instinct, and broke up with him.
What was different about this scenario is, he told me I was wrong and I believed him. That silly girl brain crammed in the center of my chest, made me second guess myself. I actually apologized to him and left the ball in his court. And you know what happened? Abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING! Aside from a shit ton of back and forth texts about how bad I fucked up. Why did I put any more energy into a relationship that I knew was going no where? Again, I blame the silly girl brain crammed in the center of my chest.
The book reminded me of things I already knew.
#1, that 99% of the people you "date" are not the one for you. Because, the one for me is but a single soul in a sea of dead weight. Not to say these guys aren't going to be great for someone. They just aren't my someone.
#2, I am worthy of someones time and affection. I should be a priority, not an option. And any relationship worth staying in, doesn't make you cry more than smile. That's not the way this shit works.
#3, Trust my instincts!!! When the energy is bad, turn off the switch.
Don't get your panties in a twist. I am not even remotely looking forward to dating. I'm content with therapy appointments and books, and work, and my newly cleaned airbrush. It's just that curiosity, (Why does it feel like I'm always being fucked over?) lead me to find an answer. Which I did. (Because you are!) And a reason for it. (Because you let it happen.) But the solution, I've had all along. Trust my instincts, and don't put up with bullshit!