I rarely, if ever, regret any decision I make. I can look back, armed with the perspective of the future, and see where I should have choose differently. But at the time, I made the best choice possible, with the information available, therefore, no regrets.
To be guilty of something, I think, requires that you set out to do something you might regret. Being purposefully hurtful to others or being selfish.
The way I live my life, leaves me at peace. I always try to do what I know in my heart to be right. So what should I have to feel guilty about?
The answer: My oldest daughter, DQ.
I waffle back and forth between strong parent and push-over. I want to teach her how to get along in the adult world. But I also feel sorry for her because she is always in trouble. She is not having a very happy childhood.
This is no ones fault. I could not have foreseen what the future would hold for her. I made my decisions one day at a time, with the best of intentions.
My daughter is on a path of destruction. It terrifies me thinking about where she will end up once she leaves my house in two years. And the best I can say is, I tried?
Damn it, that's just not good enough. When you are talking about the care and upbringing of a child, your best is not going to cut it. You MUST succeed. Her life depends on it. And to this point I have failed.
The police were at our house just last night. I forced myself to press assault charges on her. Not because I was badly hurt. Not because I want to get back at her for putting her hands on me. Not because I want her out of my house. I finally took this step because she has to understand that there are consequences to actions like this. She will be in for a big surprise if she does these things as an adult. It's my job to help her avoid these outburst in the near future, when her records will be permanent.
If there is one thing I feel guilty about, it's not being a better parent for DQ. I will always blame myself and wonder what I could have done differently. Because ultimately, it was my responsibility.