The Week of Hell

The good news is my Mom is back from Cali. She's been on the other side of the country for a month. And I really missed her. So, so glad to have her home!

Did I mention the night I got home from committing my child to the looney bin there was a letter from the IRS. Seems they diverted all of my $3000 refund to pay off a 14 year old student loan. Mind you the “school” I went to was not accredited and none of the classes I took were transferable to another school. They didn't tell me that when I signed up. DAMN I really needed that money!

Earlier this week DQ's prognosis was grim. The doctors could identify the behavior, but couldn't explain why she was doing it. It felt like they were going to give her back to me with no help. “Yep, your kids fucked up. Not much we can do. Here ya go.”, as they push her out the door towards me.

Later, they called to ask if they could put her on Abilify. Seems they were ready to agree with her previous diagnosis of bi-polar. They explained that the Prozak was only bringing her up from her low but there was nothing keeping her from going manic. They explained that Abilify will help to keep her in the middle. And unlike anti-depressants, this mood stabilizer would begin to work quickly. That we would see a change within a couple of days. I easily agreed to the meds.

I'm not expecting her to come out of the hospital “all better.” I'd be confused if she did. All I ask for is some direction. A plan of action. Some hope. Bi-polar, with meds and intensive therapy, can be managed. I can work with that!

My mom and I went to visit her Thursday night. She was upset because some boy made her cry when she tried to tell him he reminded her of the love of her life. He, being another patient, didn't really give a shit. For my part, I don't think DQ has time to obsess about some boy. She's 14, in my house she isn't even old enough to date. DQ had no interest in talking about anything other than this boy. I pointed out that she needs to see the severity of the situation she is in right now. She needs to stop worrying about the boy and start working on herself.

Me: DQ, do you understand you are currently locked in a psychiatric hospital right now? You have bigger problems than some boy you're obsessed with.

DQ: I'm done with this visitation. (as she sits staring at me with her little eyebrow arched)

Me: Alright. I love you.

I got up and put my chair away, then me and my mom left. We had been there less than 15 minutes of a one hour visitation. I wanted to show her: 1) be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. And 2) Mom is not going to be bullied into anything.

I cried the entire way home. My mom, for her part, is very sympathetic. Her older sister is diagnosed severe bi-polar. She understands the battle I'm in for.

Turns out I was right when I broke up with Bam the last time. I sited not being able to be a fully engaged girlfriend. That with all the shit going on, I didn't have the energy to keep up with dating someone. I also explained that I would never get married or have any more children. I knew he wanted these things, but since he wasn't going to get them from me, we should go our separate ways.

At the time, he didn't agree. He said he understood that I had a lot to deal with and I needed space. He was willing to dial things back for the time being. When I said I couldn't make him any guarantees, that I might not be able to see him more than a couple times a month, he said he would take what he could get.

This week he changed his mind. And really, I'm not sad or depressed about that. I liked Bam very much, and I will miss him, but I truly don't have time to be someones girlfriend. The thing that pissed me off was, he called it quits THIS week. Pulled the rug right out from underneath me when I needed him most. And totally out of the blue, I might add.

I was angry the night he did it. We had been talking about mood disorders and how I was very depressed because of what was going on with DQ. But that I was fighting it in order to be there for her. I sent him this message before I signed off and went to bed:

What the fuck is wrong with you? You asked that I explain my personal depression to you and then fucking break up with me. Who does that? And really? In a chat on the internet? If this is some idea of yours to get me to show you how much I need you by fighting for you, I'm sorry. But you may have noticed I'm fighting to keep my child from destroying herself. It can't be all about you right now, but I did warn you. Thank you so much for topping of my VERY fucked up week.

By morning, I was far more calm. I felt as though something was actually taken off my plate. One less thing I have to deal with.

Yesterday morning, DQ's doctor called me. He said that she still needs a lot of work but that since she was not a danger anymore, they can't justify keeping her. He suggested I open a CHINS petition on her. That means, get the courts involved. If she's going to refuse to follow the rules, let the police handle it. They asked that I come pick her up at 5.

Keep in mind, when I took her there, they were firm about coming up with an aftercare plan. They said we would all sit down at the time of discharge and work this out.

When the nurse finally brought her down, it felt a lot like they were throwing her in my lap, with no life line. The nurse had a handful of papers. She was directing me where to sign. I asked about the aftercare sheet.

Me: Wait, can I read this?

Nurse: You should have been involved with coming up with it.

Me: Well I wasn't.

Nurse: They had an discharge session. Weren't you there?

Me: No. No one even told me about it. They just said to come get her.

The nurse looks over the papers confused for a moment. Mumbling something about how I should have signed the paper.

Nurse: Ah, see, DQ signed it.

Me: Well can I read over it first.

Nurse: I'm going to give you copies of everything.

Me: What if I have some questions.

Nurse: I can't answer those for you. You'll have to call her therapist if you have questions.

I signed the papers and we left. DQ was out of the hospital all of 10 minutes before she had a meltdown. She bawled and yelled in the back of my moms car until we got to the house.

Once at my moms house, we got her calm. I sat her down and explained that we were going to try to get through the weekend. I asked that, if she wanted to stay in my home for the weekend she would need to follow and handful of simple rules. She immediately went into a manic state, because she was convinced I was sending her to Juvenile detention.

She spent almost an hour, sitting on the floor in my moms hall absolutely distraught. There was no convincing her that she had control over this situation. She was sure she was going to fail. Once again, we got her calmed down. Me? I was absolutely livid. The hospital gave me no indication as to what I should do in this situation.

Okay, so we're going to go home. We are going to take this one day at a time. But first I have to drop of her script to be filled. And this is where I loose my shit!

The pharmacy can't fill it because the doctor did not get it pre-authorized with the insurance company. I could pay cash for it. $690. Calls to the hospital were of no help. There was nothing they could do because the doctor had gone home for the weekend. I would have to wait until Monday.

The pharmasist was dumb founded by this oversight. I explained that they had stopped her prozak Monday, without weaning her off. And then started her on Abilify. Given her 2 doses and kicked us out the door. The lady tried her best to get in contact with the doctor. When they were uncooperative with her as well she gave me this advice:

Because it's a low dose, and she's only been on it two days, she shouldn't have a physical withdrawal. It is likely that she will have a mood swing. When that happens, take her back to the ER and they will give her the Abilify.

Let me say this; if my child ends up in the ER at any point this weekend, I'm calling a lawyer and I'm going to sue the fuck out of these people. My child is so spun around right now, she doesn't know which way is up. She is confused and scared, and frankly, so am I.