Things you'd say to people if you thought it would make a difference.
Dear Vitamin Water,
Putting the Fruit Punch flavor in the Mega pack of Vitamin Water I get from BJ's is NOT going to make it any more palatable to me. And seeing as I can't give
these bottles away, I think everyone else agrees.
The Triple X Junkie
Dear The Douche,
You didn't get anything for Itty Bit's birthday last year. Are you planning on a repeat this year? I'm pretty sure she's going to notice. And FYI, no, a new baby sister does NOT count!
Also, I appreciate your inability to pay your last 6 installments of child support. Really I do. Because I was so looking forward to applying for food stamps again. I missed people looking at me like I'm lazy white trash because I'm paying for our food with their tax dollars.
Your Gun toting ex-wife
You asked me to communicate better with you, and I made an effort. When I broke down and showed you my raw emotions, bared my soul to you, showed weakness, you dropped me like a lead balloon. You showed me, I was right to keep these things to myself in the first place. So... thanks for that.
Happily Single Missy
Dear Free Will Baptist Church,
The “FWB” acronym on the back of your church van did not inspire very Christian thoughts at all. It did inspire me to laugh my ass off and then want to hook up with the neighborhood hottie, who I may or may not watch while he walks his dog.
The Twisted drive behind you
You're dealing with a lot right now. Kudos for not having a nervous breakdown. We think you need a vacation. You're not going to get one. We just wanted to point out that you deserve one.
Your other personalities.