Monday, March 11, 2013

Pound Of Flesh

I started a little adventure. To all the “not single” peeps out there, count your blessings. I opened a profile on Hey! Don't judge, I'm lonely.

It took me about .03 seconds to get over Bam, Man child that he was. I am not one to lament a relationship that was never meant to be. He did show me that I like dating, and sharing my life with someone else. Who knew?

I'm not convinced online dating is where it's at, though. Still I am addicted to it. My phone constantly alerts me to new messages. The first couple of days were kind of insane. I'm not one to be distracted by such things while I'm at work. This leaves me anxious to get home and check my messages. I really should get over it, because most of whats in there is not good.

POF offers a chemistry and personality test to better match you to your soul mate. HA fuckin HA. This is who they think is my # 1?

Seriously? This guy?
All I can say is: You must be out yo motha fuckin mind!

I moved on down the list, mumbling, “ no! Oh, now he's cute.” Click on the profile to see he only wants a fuck buddy. NEXT!

I'm not above saying there must be some physical attraction. I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking “Damn, you're ugly” about my mate. Also, why would you not put your best face forward in your profile picture. You've got the rednecks holding up guns or dead deer. And then there is the yo-boys throwing up gang signs. W.T.F?

Reading profiles is an exercise in laugh therapy most of the time. I do it anyway. Maybe it's my cynical side that lets me read between the lines.

“I'm very loyal.” I'll be stuck up your ass because I have no other friends.

“Not into drama or games.” My wife took me for everything I had.

“I'm very laid back.” I would prefer if you cook and clean while I sit on the couch watching TV.

“I think I have a great sense of humor.” I'll likely make fun of you when we hang out with my friends so they think I'm cool.

“looking for fun, easy going woman.” I'd like to get laid as soon as possible, so I'm hoping this happens quick.

Here are a few of my other favorites:

“No more probation for me.” This left me shaking my head.

“Prove to me your the one.” I'd rather show him how to spell “you're”.

“Lookin 4 a woman I can chill & get 2 know.” Really? I'm “lookin” for a man who doesn't use numbers in place of words. And you want to chill me? Are you a serial killer?

But the award goes to: Seeking 1950's Housewife

I’m asexual. I have mental issues with sex. I also have a physical condition that affects sex for me. Due to these three things it will take a very special and very caring type of woman to be with me and to be able to find happiness with me. I will explain it all if you care. Just don’t ask out of general curiosity and waste my time please. I will tell you this up front though. I can and do have sex. But if you like to be satisfied and enjoy sex, you wouldn’t be happy with a guy like me. If your old fashion, submissive, have issues with sex that makes you not enjoy it, etc. and want a man that is very loving, caring, and shows you in all the little ways how much he appreciates you… Then maybe you would be.

If your not old fashion and submissive like a 1950’s housewife, don’t bother replying. If you enjoy sex, don’t bother replying. I thought I was pretty clear in my profile before. But I still keep getting reply’s saying they are interested… But they aren’t old fashion, not submissive, and they enjoy sex. Well great… You’re the exact opposite of what I’m looking for. And you thought I’d be interested why? Please don’t waste both our times. I’m a very loving and caring man that stays home and treat his woman with all the love and affection they deserve. But I do know what I want, and what I need. And I’m not going to change.

Asexual… Doesn’t create the hormones or chemical release that most people release upon finishing so they don’t orgasm or enjoy sex like most people.

Old fashion… Look up 1950’s housewife “Good Housekeeping.”

Submissive… Religious cultures such as Penicostle, Mennonite, Amish
Asian cultures
1950’s type American woman

Doesn’t enjoy sex… Doesn’t moan, thrust, react, respond, participate, finish or release.
Proper woman, Lady like woman, Puritan woman.

I laughed so hard at this one, DQ asked me what was wrong.

Oh, nothing. Just read something really funny on the internet.

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