Friday, March 1, 2013

I AM NOT Crazy

I can't foresee anything funny today. After a very long weekend, with DQ, we finally found her a bed in a psych hospital on Monday afternoon. Nope, not a god damn thing funny about locking your child up in the looney bin.

For months I've been desperately trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her. It starts off slowly, and maybe as a mother, I didn't want to see there was a problem. But when refusal to do ANYTHING I ask or follow ANY rule, progresses to trying to cut her arms open because she can't spend the night at a friends house, it's a real eye opener.

I met with the psychologist Tuesday. These are some of the things he confirmed for me:

She is off the charts intelligent. She could do anything she wants in life. Right now, she is utilizing her high brain functions to get away with doing the wrong things.

She has no remorse. Or compassion. These things are of no concern to her.

She understands right from wrong. She just doesn't care.

In a one-on-one session with the therapist yesterday:

Therapist: Why don't you come home when you're supposed to?

DQ: I think I should be allowed to stay out later. I'm old enough to make those decisions.

Therapist: What if you were a mom? What if your child refused to come home on time?

DQ: I guess that would drive me crazy.

Therapist: That's my point. You are driving your mother crazy. Why do you keep doing that?

DQ: I just don't think the rule should apply to me.

And now for the scary part...The things I learned:

She truly believes she should be able to do whatever she wants.

She does not equated any "punishment" as a  consequence of her own actions. She refuses to take responsibility for her behavior.

They can identify the behaviors, they just can't explain why she's doing it.

They don't know if she has a need for meds. They don't see where meds are going to help her.

No "punishment" I can hand out is going to be severe enough to change her behavior.

A reward system is probably not going to work for her either. She does what she pleases anyway.

They confirmed that if she continues on her current path, she will be pregnant, on drugs, or in jail in a short amount of time.

DQ has no desire to change.

When talking about my parenting style, I admitted I am very strict compared to the parents of her friends. I yell too much. I never hit my kids though. I have tried everything I can think of to help her see the right behavior choice will be better for everyone, primarily herself. I explained that I am out of ideas and ask that they give me more tools to parent her.

And now for the part where I am not crazy:

There is something wrong with her. They told me I did everything I could up to this point, given the situation. DQ's behavioral changes are 99% up to her. Everyone else in her life is going to total 1% of the work. I am right in being so strict with her.

And all this time I thought it was me. I was doing something wrong. I didn't have the skills to raise her to be a responsible, caring member of society. OR Maybe she wasn't as problematic as I believed. People who weren't really in our day to day life were telling me I was too hard on her. I considered the possibility that I was the crazy one. Maybe my expectations were too rigorous. Maybe I should let her have more freedoms. Maybe I needed to seek psychological help. What if I'm one of those bat shit crazy psycho moms? Are my actions going to raise a "Cary"? Am I actually a Mommy Dearest?

They said no. It's DQ who is choosing to live like this. They told me her hospital stay is as much for me as it is for her. That I need a break. And as much as it pains me, I think they are right. Because raising a child like DQ can make you  

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