Lately I have been feeling shafted. About what? Well, just about everything. Maybe it's because that bitch Flow came for a visit last night, I feel the need to get this crap off my chest. Maybe it's just been bottled up so long that if I hold on to it anymore it may devour me from the inside out. Either way, whatever the reason, beware! Massive whine ahead.
My husband has been spending a lot of time away from home aside from work. I am pretty sure he is at his friends house. Take last night for instance. My husband gets off work at 4pm. Yesterday he was supposed to stop at the store to pick up a couple of things on his way home. Shortly before 6 he called home from his friends house to "double check" on what I needed from the store. Around 8pm I called the friends house to add something to the list. (My oldest, DQ, needed card stock sheets for a school project. Which I would have gone to get after he got home. But I no longer felt like it at 8pm.) Yes he was still at the friends house.
At 8:50 he came through the door. I was working in the studio. After getting the girls ready for bed, and reading a story to Itty Bit. My oldest ran out to give him a hug, and I didn't hear what she said to him. But the very first thing I heard out of his mouth, was yelling at her. I called her back down the hall, gave her a hug and told her to go to bed.
I had no intention of leaving the studio. I might be overcome by my instinct to strangle him. He came down to the studio and announced that he could not find card stock. Instantly I felt my blood pressure rise. Now I have to stop what I am doing, and go out to get it myself, at 9 o'clock at night.
I wasn't pissed off previously. A little hurt and confused, but not pissed. But he came in the house, yelled at a kid he hadn't seen all day, and didn't get what I really needed from the store. So, yeah, now I was pissed. I closed up the studio, came down to the bedroom, grabbed my wallet, threw on my shoes and a baseball cap and he says "What is your problem?" "Why are you so mad at me?"
I answered with this simple question. "What did DQ (oldest) say to you when you got home?" In complete and rational defense of his point (NOT) he said "she ran out here, threw her arms around me and said 'Where have you been?'" That's it? That was what warranted being yelled at? That is when I lost my shit! I just look at him and said "what she meant was 'Daddy, we missed you at dinner' What she meant was 'Daddy, I was worried you wouldn't be home in time to give me a hug goodnight' She missed you." He immediatly started yelling "So, I'm not allowed to go anywhere now?" (me) "Thats not what I said. I said we miss you when your not around." (him) "No, your calling me a piece of shit" WHAT? Where the fuck do you get that? (me) "We are just kind of wondering whats so much better about being somewhere but here?" Followed by him with more yelling. Me telling him "don't come in here and posture pissed off in defense of your being gone." More yelling, followed by me stopping him mid rant "I don't have time for this crap. I have to go get card stock for DQ's project." And I left.
Now... What is my problem with him going to his friends house?
He misses dinner with us, at the very least, once a week.
He needs an hour when he gets home before he can deal with the kids, but he is perfectly OK socializing with his friend directly after work.
He no longer calls to let me know he is going to "friends" house. He calls after he's been there 2 hours to let me know he has no intention of coming home anytime soon.
He literally spends more time with these friends than his kids. And when he is here, he acts inconvienced to be spending time with them.
He looks for reasons to go to "friends" house.
I didn't start having a problem with his outings until he missed 3 dinners in a row. A Friday, Sat., and Sun., a couple weeks ago. He will go to drop something off, and be gone for HOURS! Meanwhile I will be here, holding dinner for him, or thinking he'll be right back. We only have one car, so I could be waiting for him to get home so I can go somewhere. Like the Post Office. To mail packages. That clients have paid for! They close at 5pm damn it!
It seems painfully obvious that he would rather be anywhere but here. I am trying to get some thoughts out of my head. Mainly, he is cheating on me, and his friends are helping him. Or, he has suddenly realized that the family man gig is not for him. I keep trying to think of what else it might be. I would feel like a fool. I hate to be made a fool of. I end up doing stupid things like getting arrested for assault.
There is, of course, more to this story. Like me all but throwing myself at him (which is rare, but still) and him not wanting to. Um, who are you and what have you done with my husband? But I think you get the picture.
What am I supposed to do now?
OK, If you have read this far, your a brave soul. I am not usually this much of a downer. But I no longer have a best friend to vent to. (thats a whole other post) I am usually funny and shit, but I just didn't have it in me today. So if your new here, look at some of my other, more lighthearted posts.
BTW, I am now taking applications for a new best friend. Anyone interested?
NOW... I think I will cheer myself up by working on my giveaway post.
So sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. YOU need a girls night (at the very least).
ReplyDeleteHere's a virtual martini...clink!
I'm new to the blog & don't know your stories, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you deserve a stiff drink.
This is no fun! I hate these kind of heated arguments that start so fast and escalate so quickly, escpecially right before bed. For me it usually leads to a sleepless night.
ReplyDeleteMy husband used to pull this kind of crap, but after a few discussions (fights) we worked it out. When my husband gets home from work, he does whatever he wants/ needs to get done for the evening, then we have dinner together as a family. If I have to work, he must be home on time and prepared to attend to and feed the children for the evening. For us it works and we spend almost every evening together.
Maybe you could ask him in a non judgemental, nice, sweet wife way why he seems to be allergic to your home and fam.
Good luck Missy!
First of all, I am terribly sorry to hear what happened. You are right to be concerned about his behavior. He is being an ass for sure. The question is why?
ReplyDeleteAre you guys in general able to talk out your problems? My wife and I are terrible at that. If you can, I'd strongly advise you to have a talk with him once you both cool down. There is definitely something going on and it needs to be attended to.
I think the possibility that he is having an affair is the remotest possibility. More likely, something is bothering him but he can't talk about it. It seems to have something to do with feeling overwhelmed and suffocated. He's been coming home late but he feels guilty about it. That's why he yelled at his daughter when she asked "Where have you been?". He thought she meant "why don't you fulfill your obligation and be home for dinner?", not to mean "I missed you".
My wife sometimes tells me "Don't expect me to meet all your needs for friendship. Go out with your friends sometimes.". Then I go out and she complains that she spent the whole day with the kids and I left her alone to deal with the kids at night too." Sometimes there is no winning for a man in that situation.
As far as the bedroom issue, that's where other conflicts in the marriage play out. He is not necessarily rejecting you or having an affair. I think he is upset about other things in the relationship and they are showing up in the bedroom.
There is a huge gap of understanding between a woman who is (mostly) staying home with the kids and a man who is (mostly) outside making money. You gotta talk to understand each other. You have legitimate concerns. He too may have legitimate ones. Don't try to second guess each other's intentions. Sit down and talk. You may be surprised at what you hear. He may also be surprised at what he hears. You are not living his life, he is not living yours. A little empathy sometimes goes a long way. I hope that you can understand each other better that way.
OMG - I would have been so ticked off. I think you handled yourself very well. Have you talked with him about where he is going and why? I can only imagine that you are thinking the worst, but hopefully if you can get him to talk to you, something good will come of it. So sorry things are rough right now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog this morning!
I don't have anything insightful to say, but I want you to know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI think you should take Stormy's advice seriously. Hubby is yelling because he feels quilting and that's an uncomfortable feeling. You do need to talk to each other, but at a time when things are not so volatile. If you can't talk, maybe find a counselor who could help you. Communication is the most important thing - that's how you come to understand your partner. Be patient, be persistant. You two can work this out. And know that your friends are here for you so use us to vent.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone.
ReplyDeleteHi Missy, I'm also sorry you had a lousy evening last night. I agree with Stormy and Grandma Barbara and can't really add any more to their great words of wisdom. You should take some time for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI read it all.. and I totally get your feelings.. my husband is out three times a week at least with his biking buddies... urgh.
ReplyDeleteMissy, I'm officially applying for the BFF position. Also, you have every right to be infuriated. I'm all for a guys' night out for husbands, but not 3 times a week! Something IS going on, but I can't say what, either. Sounds like you may need to have some time apart and some serious talks... (I'm totally not one who should be giving marital advice!)
ReplyDeleteHope everything gets better!