Slow Learner

Sometimes, things don't click for me. Or maybe I'm so busy running around like a crazy person, I just don't see those things.

I've just now, after 40 years of life, realized that exhaustion leads to depression. It's not a long term thing. But for me it is real. It took me entirely too long to understand the link between lack of sleep and feeling blue.

I was up until 2 am last night. Then awake at 6 am this morning, whether I wanted to be or not.  This is just another in a string of late nights and early mornings. Aside from DQ, I've got a lot to be excited about. A lot to be happy about. Things are good right now.

I'm seeing someone. Despite my attempts to avoid any romantic relationships. It happened very organically. Having mutual friends, I'm surprised I didn't meet him sooner. We met back in Feb. during the bar crawl my bestie and I had. We hit it off, but he was seeing someone. And then he was single but I was seeing someone.... then I was single but he wasn't. Throughout this whole time, we were friends. Hanging out. Drinking way too much coffee, laughing our asses off, and sort of regretting our timing.

Until, we were suddenly both single. We were still goofing off, being friends, and not thinking much of it. One of our mutual friends told me he was smitten with me. Well, I liked him too, but I was trying to give him space to get his head back on straight after his breakup. And of course I was in no rush after HotRod. 

One day, after talking and hanging out so much, he asked, "Is it safe to say we're dating?" I thought about it for a minute, and I realized what we were doing was exactly that. Well, minus the romantic pressures, constant sucking face and sex. We were getting to know each other, both fully aware that there COULD be something more. So I shrugged and said, "Yeah, I think we are."

Viola, dating. And now some kissing. It's nice. Slow, organic and nice. Our friends are ecstatic. They wanted us to get together back in Feb. 

We've even planned a road trip. Next weekend, we're going to South Carolina to see some of our good friends. We'll barbeque, drink beer, practice some open shooting and have some time together. Not that we don't get that now. But, we both have kids. The only time we've been alone was when we weren't technically dating. Just hanging out. Now that we've put a title on this and are persuing the romantic side, the kids always seem to be around. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I think it will be wonderful to have time with just grown ups around.

Did I mention this is the first "vacation" I've been on in like 5 or 6 years. And I've never been "away" without the girls.  I NEED THIS!!!

For now, I'm going to aim for a decent nights sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long hot day. And I have got to get over this slump I'm in at the moment. I read somewhere, just today, there isn't much that laughter and a long sleep can't cure. We've got the laughter down, now on to the next one. 

Long Ass Weekend

Monday morning and I feel like a post apocalyptic zombie. I really, really want to crawl back into my bed and sleep until noon. But alas, it's not in the cards for me today.

Friday night I went to HotRods. No, there were no intentions of getting back together. He'd had an unbelievably bad day, and needed a friend. We didn't talk about things. It wasn't about that. I listened to what he needed to say. And then I stayed with him until he fell asleep. I got back home around 2 am.

Saturday I had to work. Well, I didn't have to, but my brother offered me double time if I could go to the job and complete a crucial step. I was there by 8:30am, and stayed until it was done.  After that I spent 3 hours in the car picking Itty Bit up from her dad's house. Got home a little after 8. I was wiped.

Sunday Funday. Tried to catch up on some household chores. I gave Itty Bit her tasks, and she went straight to it. Told DQ what she was to do, and she sat around for hours. I kept reminding her, and she kept blowing me off. 
I laid down for a nap after lunch, and when I woke up my mom was here. Immediately DQ starts in on me, cuz she wants to go get ice cream with my Mom. I told her no. And when she asked why, I was nice enough to answer her. She hadn't done her laundry, which I told her to do on Thursday, and she hadn't cleaned the bathroom. Well that led to a screaming match, which I ultimately walked away from. My Mom said she didn't want to hear it and left.

I took Itty Bit and her little friend shopping. That was an adventure. One which ended in me telling Itty Bit, "From now on, you WILL keep track of what your spending as you put items in your basket."

Since Itty Bit was going to spend the night with her friend, I went and hung out with my friend. There may have been a bottle of wine involved. And a whole lot of laughing. And a trip to IHOP.  Was it stupid to stay out til 2 in the morning...AGAIN? Yes, but sometimes you just need some good company. No matter how you're going to feel the next day.

What to Do What to Do

I understand that teenagers get lippy. That they have an attitude problem. That they are generally slobs. I was a teenager once. I've made great effort to remember what I was like, and how my head worked when I was that age. I think it's important to remember, so you can keep perspective when raising your own children. 

DQ was discharged from the group home Wed. night. Truth be told, I'm lucky they kept her that long, seeing as they wanted to kick her out a week ago. 

I'm not sure how to act around her. I've never been forced into dealing with a situation like this. Because were it anyone but my child, I'd tell them to 'Fuck off' and I'd walk away. 

She's punched me, pushed me, and scratched me. She's called me a whore and a bitch, to my face. Often. She steals from me. She's destroyed my belongings. She's spit on me. Think about that for a moment. Spit on me!!! She describes the ways she hopes I die, and then says she won't come to my funeral. But my favorite is by far trying to have me arrested. She's been saying for about a year how she's going to get me arrested so I'll loose custody of Itty Bit. She is intentionally telling the authorities lies so they will put me in jail. This child, would be happy as a pig in shit if I were in jail and lost custody of her sister.

Why? Because I won't buy her an iPhone, give her my bank card to shop at the mall, or let her run around with boys? Because I won't let her have her way!!!???

How am I supposed to react to that?

I can't find it in me to even pretend like we're a normal family. The best I can do is awkward silence and curt one word answers. I'm so fucking angry right now, it's best if I just hide in my room.

 

You Don't Say

This is going to sound absolutely horrible:

I've enjoyed the time that DQ has been away. 

Has it been stressful? A little. Have a I worried about her? A lot. Do I wonder where she'll end up in life and how she'll get there? Every day.

But, as painful as it is to admit, I don't want her to come home. It's been 2 1/2 weeks. Nothing has changed. She hasn't even called to talk to me. I keep in touch with the staff to make sure she's doing ok. That's about it.

Imagine my dismay when they called me yesterday, demanding a family meeting! They told me I have to pick her up for a 2 day pass. When I explained that the goal wasn't for DQ to come home, they said they understood. But if I didn't arrange for a 2 day pass, they were going to discharge her. 

I say discharge, but what it boils down to is, they are kicking her out. 

What changed? I'll take a guess and say the honeymoon period is over. They said her attitude is horrible. She won't follow the rules. She's causing problems with the other girls. She's making things up. Stealing food. Generally being disruptive. 

My reply? That's exactly why she isn't in my home right now. 

So let me get this right... You guys are a temporary group home for misbehaved kids. BUT when they misbehave you want to send them home? And if I don't come pick her up for a two day pass, you're going to discharge her? Effectively forcing me to come get her?

She's a 190 lb pain in the ass? You don't say!?!?!

Broken Hearted

Where is the book that teaches
you to do everything right?
Broken hearts and scallywags
All I do is cry cry cry

Loneliness is a creature
You'll let it sneak up and down
I've past that troll
I've paid my toll
Now I'm headed for the light

I feel, I'm fallen
Oh, all that I've lost
I'm so broken hearted
I'm on my knees
Beggin' ya please
Stay right here, forgive me
I feel like this life is over
I just can't speak 
Without ya there
I'll stay with the air

I'm a victim of you
Can't ya see that it's me too
Sucked me clean, bled me dry
All I did was try try try

Don't ya know my broken voice
Will be forever haunting?
Creepin' away, stuck in that place
You always left me wanting


I feel, I'm fallen
Oh, all that I've lost
I'm so broken hearted
I'm on my knees
Beggin' ya please
Stay right here, forgive me
I feel like this life is over
I just can't speak 
Without ya there
I'll stay with the air
Forgive me

Well I told you
This was a sweet romance
I'll love you
'Til this bitter world ends

I needed to 
Hold a little of you
You know that
I'll do all that I can 

Well I'm so broken hearted
I'm on my knees
Beggin' ya please
Stay right here, forgive me
I feel like this life is over
I just can't speak 
Without ya there
I'll stay with the air
Forgive me

Forgive me
 
I am in love with this lady. She is so relevant to my life. Her voice, you can feel the soul behind the lyrics. She speaks for many of us. The music helps some.

The friends that have come to call on me these last two weeks, barely enough to keep me from folding in on myself. The vodka has helped me to say fuck it, but just so. Reality is, I'm a grown up. I can't stay drunk. I can't surround myself with people all the time. Some days there is just no getting away from being broken hearted.

Life Goes On

It's been an interesting couple of days. Yesterday afternoon, Child Protective Services came out to visit with me. The lady was pleasant and friendly, but still... It's CPS.

The allegations were that I beat her and let her drink alcohol on a regular basis.  

I beat her? Really? All my friends tell me the reason she acts like this is because I DIDN'T beat her. I was adamant when I became a parent I would not use physical pain to punish my children. 

And I let her drink? Are you crazy? I let my kids have a sip of beer or wine when they were little. But nothing more than that. DQ is an out of control, violent teenager. Do you really think I want a drunk, out of control, violent teenager? Not to mention how it might interact with her meds. She told them I let her drink a couple beers. She suggested it's a regular occurrence.

CPS talked with me and asked me a million questions, and toured the house. She seemed sufficiently pleased with everything and I got the impression she didn't believe DQ. Hopefully that's the end of this part.

Moving on...
We had court today. DQ had a real chip on her shoulder, even stating there was no way she was going to be in any trouble. Imagine her surprise when the judge said she found sufficient evidence to find DQ guilty? She went from cocky to combative. The judge is holding off on giving a sentence until all of the other teams, (the people who can put her in a group home) are done meeting and a decision is made. 

I talked to the residential team person. She said that DQ meets the requirements to be removed from the home. She'll either go to a group home or therapeutic foster care. I should know on the 21st whether the funding team decides to pay for it. And it won't be until middle of August that we know where she is going and when. 

These kinds of things, I'm learning, are such a process. But we are almost to the top of the mountain... the battle is almost over. 

Tonight I'm going to go have dinner with a friend of mine, and probably a very large glass of wine. I almost feel the sigh of relief coming on now.

Cheers everyone.
   

Unsolicited Opinions

About a week ago my sisters husband found out I have a fire arm. This was his immediate reaction.

 Get a gun safe or at the very least a trigger lock.  Or consider getting rid of it.  Hiding it is not enough.  The stats on gun ownership are not good.  You’re three times more likely to have it used on you than on an intruder.  With (DQ) in the equation, probably much worse.  If you can, consider bolting the gun safe to the floor from the inside of the safe.  This will discourage someone from moving the safe to where they can work on it.  Keep in mind hollow core doors, windows, and drywall partitions are not secure either.  Last but not least, if the police know there’s a gun in the house, they will be tempted to draw their weapons before they enter.

My immediate reaction was to tell him to fuck off. But that wouldn't be the mature responsible thing to do. I tried to let it go, but the whole of it just irritated me.  I replied to him on Monday
 

While I can appreciate that this advice was probably given with the best of intentions, I have to say it irritated me a little. I know that everyone in the family still sees me as a kid, but I am actually 40 years old. And I do have a decent amount of sense.

I know all the statistics on gun ownership and safety. I'm not a back woods redneck who carries for show. I have a keyed entry lock on my bedroom door, where I keep my side arm if it's not on me. If it is on my, I have a blackhawk locking holster. I may be a happy go lucky in a lot of aspects of my life, but my weapon is something I take VERY seriously. Because I see the same news stories you do about children getting a hold of a parents gun on killing themselves or another child. I have high quality ammunition for home defense. I make a point of going to the firing range so I can always remember what to expect from the recoil and the noise.

I have been open carrying since I got the restraining order against my husband more than 4 years ago. Police officers approach me all the time with nothing but positive things to say, such as, "Wish everyone would exercise that right," and  "It's nice that you are proactive in your own self defense." I make a point to inform dispatch that there is a weapon in the home. When the police arrive I also tell them, what kind of weapon I have and where it's located. If they were to feel the need to secure that weapon for their own safety, I would not object.

Mom and I have come to an understanding on this. We agree to disagree. She respects my right to carry, by law. I respect her wishes not to have it around her. 

In the future, please remember that I am not a child. And unless I ask for your opinion, it's ok to keep it to yourself. 

Why oh why do people feel the need to give their opinion? And it was an opinion. None of what he said was based on facts. But to talk to me like I'm stupid? If I was inclined to have a gun safe, I'm smart enough to know how to install it. Trust that a window would never be an option, lol. I was so tempted to offer a standing invitation to the firing range so he could see for himself my ability to handle my weapon. But I think he would have pissed himself. 

Calm Before The Storm

I'm feeling peaceful. I know it's only temporary, but I'll take what I can get. 

Had an awesome weekend. Drank way too much. Caught up with some old friends. Spent way too much time at my kitchen table with lots of coffee and good company.

Started the charity job at Jungle Golf. That took way longer than I thought. I'm going to have to re-evaluate my plan for the rest of the job.

Got my mom back from my sister in CA. Picked her up Sunday night. Granted her plane was 2 hours late. Meaning I didn't get to bed until 2 am. But she's home.

My house is just about spotless. Well, it helps when there is no one here to make a mess while I'm at work. It's also very quiet. Kind of creepy.

Yes, the calm before the storm.

Child protective services called me today. Regarding DQ. They all but said, they know I didn't beat her, but they have to come do a home visit and an interview. They want to talk to Itty Bit as well. I'm fine with all that. What's got my panties in a twist is, they are going to talk to my ex-husband too. And they are taking an SVU detective with them. He is going to lose his shit. I'm worried that he will try to retaliate. I got my side arm back from my best friend and I am carrying it full time now. Somehow this WILL be my fault. Wonder what else this kid can throw in the cogs of life. It feels a lot like, "If I'm going down, I'm taking mother fuckers with me." 

Sarcastic Bad Bitch

I've recently come across a facebook page and I think I'm in love.
Sarcastic Bad Bitches is so relevant to my life right now...

There are tons of witty, wicked and fun memes there. Most are female based, and it's got a real Strong-Independent-don't-need-men feel to it. Like I said, relevant to my life right now.

Here are some of my current favorites:

Brighter Day

If you've been following along, you know I've been in a pretty bad place recently. Trust that I'm mostly a glass half full kind of person. I'm usually a person who counts her blessings.

Because as bad as things seem some days, they could always be so much worse. 

DQ may be off her rockers right now, but she is safe. This is just one of the steps to get her the help she needs. And truth be told, Itty Bit and I needed a break.

I have a home. I may struggle to pay the bills but they are paid. And we do have little extras like cable TV. There is always food on the table. Good, healthy food.

I've got friends. And they are getting me out of the house this weekend. Getting me out of my slump. Or, getting me slam fucked up. Whatever the day calls for. No fuckin or fightin required. Good friends to hold me up and keep me out of trouble.

And, as it turns out, I'll be sans kids for the next week. So if I get really bent out of shape, I'll have a whole week to recover. We're going to go ahead and call this a mini-mommy-vacation. I think the powers that be are giving me the recharge I need to prepare for battle.

Childhood V Adulthood

Almost everyone I talk to says they miss being a kid. I can't say that I agree, although I assume they had a more pleasant childhood than I did. So that probably has something to do with the difference of opinion. 

Top Ten reasons why being an adult is better than being a child.

10. Your opinion matters. And assuming you're not an idiot, the older you get, the more it matters.

9. You get to choose what you will have for dinner. If you want to have junk food and wine that's your right. No one is going to force you to eat chicken liver.

8. Your fears go from being unrealistic, and terrifying to realistic and manageable. Instead of worrying about when a vampire will bite you in your sleep, you worry about how much money you have in your bank account. You have far more control over the adult fears.

7. You can walk away from people without being grounded to your room for a week. When someone makes you angry, you can tell them to fuck off.

6. You have your own home. Whether you rent or own, it's yours, to do with as you please. No one is going to tell you, you can't make beer can art or set up drums in the living room.

5. You can drive. Giving you the freedom to go where ever you want.

4. You can wear whatever you want. And the older you get, the less you care about what other people think of you.

3. More disposable income. And what you choose to do with it is up to you. Which comes in handy for number 2.

2. Tattoos.

1. Booze. When it all goes to shit, it's perfectly acceptable to say, fuck it and get tanked.

Anger

In the last 9 months...

One of my very best friends died.

I learned a lot about who will stick around when the going gets tough.

I struggled and scraped to pay the rent, Every Damn Month

I fell in love AND had my heart broken.

I lost my first born child to insanity.

Again, I tip my head to the sky and ask "How much more am I supposed to take?"

Yeah, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself right now. Fuckin sue me. That's something else I learned recently. I ain't as tough as I thought I was. I walk around joking and smiling, but this shit affects a person. I'm not above that. So if I want to indulge in a moment of self pity... It's my God damn diary, I'll do what I want!!!
 
The spans of time between crying... Those are the dangerous ones. The angry ones. The listening to Slipknot and Disturbed ones. The I wonder who I should call to come over and fuck me ones. The wonder if I can get kicked out of the bar for sucker punching the door man ones. Yeah, fuckin and fightin. Either or both would help me forget about all this pain I'm in. Either would provide a distraction. Rough and raw and mean. Those old friends tried and true. Until you feel like a dirty whore with sore knuckles.

Something about being not-so-tough scares the hell out of me. I don't like this shit AT. ALL.

I've the house all to myself tonight. DQ, as you may know, is in the group home. Itty Bit went to stay with my ex-mother-inlaw. The best I've got to look forward to is some on demand TV that I couldn't normally watch when the kids are around. And I wonder is this as good as it's going to get? And if so, what's the fucking point.