Continuing on our discussion of sex and making it work better for our marriage...
Let's Talk About Sex Part 2
What else is standing in the way of a great sex life?
Exhaustion? Even if the wife doesn't leave the home, she has also worked all day. If you have young kids at home, you should resign yourself to the fact that your sex life is going to change.
Stress? If there is a lot of crap going on, kids having a hard time in school, car payment is going to be late, Mother-in-law is coming for a visit, it's hard to put out of our heads sometimes. Remember women are initially aroused in their brain, as opposed to visually, like men.
Anxiety about sex itself? Knowing that your husband/wife is expecting sex can be stressful. This is when it begins to feel like just one more thing he or she is expected to get done in a day.
Environment? I know that I am not aroused, when my house is a mess. A messy house is very stressful to me. I feel like everyone should pitch in, even if I am responsible for keeping the house nice. It makes me angry when my family makes a mess without cleaning it up. Especially when they seem to have no regard for my feelings. If I am feeling like the unappreciated maid, I won't be feeling like a lover.
Fighting? Fighting amongst yourselves is a sex killer. I have heard “The best part of fighting is making up.” But I don't believe it. In fact, I have never met one couple who ended a fight with sex.
What can be done about the things getting in the way?
Exhaustion: Even if you don't feel like your wife works, trust me-she does! Your not going to change her mind about this. The sooner your on her page, the better off you'll be. She wants to feel as though her work is recognized and appreciated. And, every now and then, she needs a break. A bubble bath is probably not the ticket, unless you can guarantee the kids won't be screaming at each other, or bothering her.
At least one day a week, I leave the house and do something, by.my.self! I am not a complicated person. Sometimes it's just grocery shopping without the kids. If my husband checks the mail and finds a flier from our local fabric store, he will give me 20 bucks and tell me to go have some 'me time'. Whats important about that is, it was his own idea. And when the kids fuss because they want to go, he explains to them that I need time away by myself. Big points for Sexy Papa. Fabric shopping by myself-very arousing. If he has put the kids to bed by the time I get home, bonus points.
Stress: Very often there isn't anything we can do to eliminate stress. Understanding when your partner is stressed out is key. Maybe instead of thinking about sex, the husband and wife talk about the stress and try to come up with a plan to battle it. There is no harm in trying. Maybe all the time spent together, talking, will lead to sex later. Maybe the problem gets solved and you have sex to celebrate.
Stress in men is often alleviated by some down time. I think it's important for my husband to have some time to himself when he gets home. So if he doesn't start talking to me right when he gets home, I don't go yack his ear off with my day to day crap, unless it's important. We'll have time to talk later when the kids go to bed. He needs to get over the stress from work before he can even hear about the stress at home.
Anxiety about sex itself: My wife should give me sex whenever I want it. Not so long ago, my husband belonged to that school of thought. Guess where that got him?
While he was feeling entitled, I was feeling like it was another chore. Chores=not fun. I resisted, he became grumpy. "I guess I'll go to bed, not like I'm getting sex anyway." I heard that a lot. Finally one day I turned to him and said "talking about all the sex your not getting is not a turn on to me." His pouting like a 2 year old before he even tried to coax me always made me go cold. The light bulb started to flicker for him.
Stop bugging your wife for sex. Matter of fact, try to go a couple of days without bringing it up. Just to see what happens. I can tell you, my husband is a much happier boy. He still pouts on occasion, but only if it's been a really long time.
While we're on the subject, a long time is MORE than 14 days. Most married people don't have sex everyday. The average amount of times married couples have sex is slightly more than once per week. Look it up!
Environment: Try pulling your weight around the house without expecting sex as a reward. No married couple should be using sex as a tool. Occasionally my husband will pitch in on a marathon cleaning session. Somehow he has figured out that if the house is clean by Sat. night, he is more likely to get Sunday morning sex. If he is home when I pull out the vacuum, he offers to do it, because he knows it hurts my knees. Those little things make a big difference to me.
Fighting: Screaming, throwing things, slamming doors. These things create a terrorizing environment. Gaven DeBecker wrote something that basically stated: Men fear that a woman will reject him. Where as a woman fears that he will kill her. We aren't so far removed from the past that we don't realize that it can happen. And if your screaming at your wife a lot, she is wondering when it will get turned up a notch. She is wondering if your going to hit her.
Think about the reason for your fighting. Determine it's weight in your relationship. Is the thing your fighting about important enough to wager your marriage on? There is a time in every relationship where the issues are important enough to fight about. That being said, fighting should not be a weekly event.
Would you scream at your boss the way your scream at each other? How about your mother, or even a stranger on the street? Doesn't the person you love deserve at least as much respect as you would show a passing stranger?
How often do problems get solved by fighting? I know I didn't feel satisfied after a good screaming match. Neither did my husband.
Whatever it is you can do to get away from this scenario, DO IT!
Please feel free to jump in here with anything that is on your mind. Aliceson, I am contemplating your comment. That's a tough one.