This week I would like to post a series of entries about sex. Just my opinions on some things I have figured out. But thinking about these things has helped me, so I want to share.
Let's Talk About Sex part 1
I am of the opinion that the battle of sex, in a marriage, comes down to a simple old phrase:
Wife: Whats mine is mine and whats his is mine.
Husband: Translation--She gets sex whenever she wants it. I get sex, only when she wants it.
Now, I realize that not all long term relationships are defined in that way. Everyone is different, if even just a little bit. But I bet, if you asked 100 husbands, the majority of them, would identify with the previous statement.
Lately, I can't get enough of Sexy Papa (my hubby). Maybe I am hitting my "prime"? That seems odd to me, as I am still 29 and holding, but whatever.
Suddenly it doesn't sound fair; that Sexy Papa doesn't get it whenever he wants it and I do.
Since the days of the submissive wife have long since passed, men are left pondering..."I thought once I got married, I would get laid all the time. What the hell happened?"
I have been thinking about this situation for a long time now. Trying to figure things out, in order to better make our marriage work. I want to have more sex with my husband, I really do. But it seemed as though some unknown force was standing in the way. I have come to understand some things that I am eager to share with the rest of the married world.
First, and most important, in my opinion, is honesty. I think it's high time we, as a demographic, got over the Junior High giggles, when it comes to talking about sensitive issues. Women, this is especially important for us.
Second, we have to get over our own selfish needs and be able to listen, hear and ponder the honesty which we are about to receive. Guys this one is especially important to you.
There are many things that can and will go wrong, making it impossible for a woman to want sex.
What if the wife has gas? It happens right? But do we tell our husbands? Nope. We just shrug off his advances, leaving him to believe 'She just doesn't want to have sex with me.'
Why can't the wife be honest with the husband? Maybe she is afraid he will tease her. Maybe she is still holding out hope that he believes her to be the perfect human being, who doesn't produce any bodily functions, which might offend someone. News flash ladies... Your husband has figured it out. Your only human. Get over it.
The honesty part is a whole lot easier, when we know that our husband is listening to us. It's hard to spell it out for men sometimes, so let me try to do it now.
Question: Why can't a woman want sex when she has gas?
Answer: Because she wants to relax and enjoy herself with you. It's hard to do when your concentrating on not farting on your husband. Do you have kids? Have you ever noticed your wife cross her legs before she sneezes? She does that so she doesn't pee on herself. Her abdominal muscles don't work as well as they used to, on their own. You want your wife to enjoy herself don't you? She is not going to relax enough to have an orgasm if she holding back gas!
What about those of us who feel a little less than beautiful? Maybe we are having issues with our weight? This also happens, frequently.
The husband wants to see his wife naked. The wife wants to keep the lights out and her shirt on. The truth about this situation is:
Your husband thinks your beautiful. He especially likes it when your naked. He loves all of your part, perfect or not. They make you who you are.
Your wife is much more relaxed when she feels comfortable. She might even be willing to try something new in bed, if she felt sure you weren't going to try and relieve her of her shirt.
What if the wife was honest, and told her husband "I feel much more comfortable during sex with my shirt on."?
What if the husband pondered the honesty and then said "I love it when your naked. Your perfect to me. But if you feel better with a shirt on, I can accept that." And then don't try to take her shirt off.
Third, but still important is compromise. Don't forget that you decided to spend the rest of your life with this person. Your a team, and it takes work. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to.
My husband and I are working on these daily. For instance, when I tell him I have gas, he understands. Because I am able to be honest with him, he doesn't feel abandoned. He makes a fart sound with his mouth, we both have a laugh, and no ones feelings are hurt. It's important for both of us that he knows: It's not that I don't want to have sex with him, it's something else, that neither of us can control, and life goes on.
We compromise about my shirt too. I usually wear something that he thinks is sexy, like a white tank top. If I am feeling up to it, I will wear a sexy camisole or short nightie. He understand that I am more comfortable, and that the sex is more important than the naked.