Monday, August 31, 2015

Hot Mess

I'm feeling some kind of way... Like I need to process somethings but I don't know where to start or even how to identify the problem.

Things are good, calm, easy... too easy, almost like the twilight zone, easy. It's such a foreign concept to me, that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm so used to constant chaos that I don't know how to act right now.

Itty Bit and I went shopping yesterday for a new school outfit. Only one, mind you. She's got more clothes than any 11 year old should rightfully have. And shoes, don't even get me started. But I thought it would be nice if she could shop for an outfit for the first day of middle school. So we went to the mall. A fun, normal thing to do with your kid.  I wouldn't normally pay mall prices for clothes, but since she was only getting one outfit... also I figure she's earned some special treatment.

Things are wonderful with Mr. Security. We actually talked about how odd it is. What we have is far removed from what either of us is used to. It feels weird. It's safe, fun, stress free. We noted that we've only been dating for a month. But the way we are together is like we've been together for years. So comfortable that being together is our new normal. Itty Bit and I went to a cookout at his house yesterday. His Mom and brothers were there. And one of his best friends. Everyone got along great. There were no fights. No one was drunk or high. We all played a game kind of like charades. It was nice.

My bills are paid. There isn't much extra. Especially since it's back to school time. But I'm ok with that. We have what we need.

So why am I still terrified? 
I'm having horrible nightmares. So graphic, violent and weird I can't even talk about them. I woke up yesterday pissed off and ready to punch someone. These episodes are leaving me shaken. 

Could it be as simple as, I'm on edge waiting for the next thing to come at me? And if nothing comes? When do I finally accept our new reality?

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