Wednesday, September 2, 2015

It Is Not Fair

I could fall so easily... All I'd have to do is let go.  I used to jump into things with both feet. Once I'd decided that it's something I wanted, I gave everything, and let the chips fall where they may.

But I've been smacked in the nose with the proverbial newspaper too much to continue the same carefree, love everyone, course my life was on. 

I can see myself loving Mr. Security. It could be as natural as breathing. We work together in tandem. We compromise. We talk about problems and possible solutions. We use each other as sounding boards. We are content to occupy the same space and be doing separate things. We both understand the ebb and flow of relationships. 

I keep looking for flaws. Waiting for the thing that will change our course. Because history has taught me, it's never this easy. 

No relationship is perfect. We are all human. Humans have flaws. A good relationship is about accepting the flaws in each other and loving them anyway. It greatly depends on what the flaw is. I know I can't be with someone who yells, does drugs or drinks to excess, is completely irresponsible, or is generally a horrible human being.

So I'm looking for these things. Waiting for them. And nothing. The most I can come up with is... Mr. Security apologizes a lot. For normal human things. And he truly is stressed that he could have, maybe, possibly caused me some uncomfortable moment. Often his apology is in a justification or over explanation of something. 

For example:
He passed up a parking spot in favor of another that was a little bit farther away. He said he was sorry and started to explain why he'd parked there. I had to cut him off and tell him I didn't care. Not to sound callous, but I really don't care about those little things in life. And if at some point I do care, I'll let you know. So what if we have to walk an extra half block? Now we have time to finish our cigarettes. 

He over explains hanging out with his friends. Especially the female ones. I listen patiently and smile. I've told him I think it's great he goes and does his own thing. I have no desire to be his only source of socialization. Also, I have a lot of guy friends. I know you can be friends with the opposite sex and not fuck them. If he gives me cause to question him, I'll talk to him about it. All I ask is that if he feels the need to stick his dick in someone else, tell me. Be honest, and we will be fine. 

At one point, he was going on and on about why he made some choice, and I cut him off again. I asked him if his ex-wife nagged him a lot. He got real quiet for a few minutes. I waited. And then, like a child being scolded, he said, yeah... she did. 

That, folks, is the only flaw I can see. We're working on it. Sometimes he will start, and I just look at him and smile. He catches on after a minute and says, "I'm over explaining this, aren't I?" He's starting to replace "sorry" with "thank you". I think he's having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to badger him to death. I just don't feel that it's productive to waste energy on trivial things.

Damn, I got off track again...

Ahem. So I'm still waiting. For him to decide I'm not what he wants. For him to tell me he doesn't really see us long term. That he isn't looking for his one and only. For him to say I'm not good enough. For the monster to come out of the closet.

I'm so terrified of getting hurt again, that I just can't let go. I want this to be right and true and the end. If he is really the person he's showing me. I could love that person. I could let go and never look back. 

If I reach for the treat and get my hand smacked again? When the universe tells me, I'm not allowed to be loved?  The absolute feeling of being paralyzed by fear? I'm so scared of fucking it up, that I stand in the middle and do nothing.

And is that really fair to him? What if he adores me as much as I do him? What if he has no intentions of hurting me? He didn't do anything to warrant my attitude of self preservation. Why should he have to pay the price? 

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