Are You Serious

Imagine me, holding a letter from Child Support Enforcement, posture completely deflated, shaking my head. It's exactly what I was doing a couple of days ago.

In it, they informed me that they've filed a lien with the court for 1/3 of what he owes me. $5000 and change. Should he sell any property, his debt to me will be taken into account. 

Awesome! So when he gets around to selling the house... Oh wait, he doesn't own one. Well maybe the... Nope he doesn't own a car either.

Yes, I stood in my kitchen, completely deflated. Until I slammed the letter on the counter, yelling, "He Doesn't Own ANYTHING!"

Don't feel sorry for that fucker. He COULD own things if he didn't spend every penny on drugs and booze. Or, ha, maybe if he got a fucking job! 

Utter disbelief. That's what I feel about the agency looking out for my daughter. It was a waste of their time and resources to even petition the court. Maybe a little digging would have told them he has nothing to sell. Maybe they should skip the bullshit, do not pass go, go directly to jail!!!???

Neener Neener

Tiny bubbles...
Ok, so not so tiny, but bubbles all the same.

I've been painting. No shock. I thought I'd share. Also, no shock. 
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my job?  A client and her designer came up with the idea to paint bubbles on the walls of her pool house. What a cool concept! I loved every minute of it.

My favorite part was getting to blow raspberries at my brother and say, "nee'ner, nee'ner!"

When I was finishing up he came out and checked on me. He said he didn't think the open spaces that didn't have bubbles would pass inspection. I explained that I have a plan from the beginning and that the client had seen it as I was painting and liked it. I showed him how the bubbles could be coming in from the window and moving at an angle up and around the walls to meet in the middle of the opposite wall.  Still... he was sure the client was going to want some of the open spaces filled. I just stared at him, face off style, until he decided to get the client.

She loved what I had done. She could see the flow and movement of bubbles. She got it. She said it was perfect and to tell my boss to bite me.

Some of these bubbles are almost 9" wide. So not so tiny, but very cool. Very simple to do with an airbrush. Hand painting these would have taken me days. 

Also been working on a portrait of Joe Cool's daughter. She's such a photogenic child. It took me a while to get this one to a good place. I'm still working on her eyes, but I think I've made good progress. I've got about 10 hours worth of work in this one. 

I feel so lucky to be able to do this kind of thing. I don't know if I'd call it talent so much as persistence. Whatever it is, I'll take it.

Boo on You

Sunday night as I sat in my slushy hangover fog, I got a text. From an unknown number. It asked if I had just charged $406 at a local drug store.

Um, no. I don't think even $400 worth of drug store crap could make me feel human again.

But I didn't reply. I thought maybe it was a fishing expedition. Instead, I went online to view my bank account. And holy shit, someone just used my card at the drug store. How is that possible? I still have my card.

Apparently I slid it through one of those reader-copier thingys that crooked assholes use to steal you credit card info. And once they had a duplicate card, they went on a shopping spree. 

Ha! Jokes on you dumbass. I'm poor, so there wasn't that much money in the account. 

Also, I'm a proactive motherfucker. I know the location, date and exact time of the theft. You better hope I don't come across a gullible cashier at the drug store who will show me the security tape.

It's instances like these that I like modern technology. I like that we are all being recorded and monitored. I might not have checked my account until it was time to pay my rent. They might have gotten away scott free, were it not for all the invasive things companies do to monitor every part of your life. 

Yeah, yeah. I filed a claim with my bank's fraud department. They are sending me a new card and I should recover my money in about a week. Whatever. 

Believe it or not, I'm not angry. I think it's kind of funny. They went to all that trouble to get to my money, only to find I didn't have any.

The Happy Place

Wow, it's been a crazy couple of weeks.

Itty Bit started school. All the worries of being the little kid in middle school, long forgotten. With her style and attitude she's got no problems. For now.

Our friend came up from SC. It was wonderful, I made a huge meal with steak and tuna bites and roasted red potatoes. They all raved about the wonderful food. Me? I was thrilled to have some of my favorite guys in my kitchen. My bestie included. We don't get to see much of each other.

I've been doing things that make me happy. Painting for one. Currently working on a portrait of our friends little girl. She's so stinkin' cute. Reading for another. I've chomped through 4 books in the last couple weeks. 

Hanging out with Mr. Security is another happy place. Has it only been two months since we started dating?

This past weekend was an interesting one. Friday night he went to his friends birthday party. The tentative plan was for him to come back to my house when it was over. When I woke up in the morning, before God himself as usual, and he wasn't here, I sort of freaked out.

He drank too much and didn't want to drive. But also, I think, didn't want to wake me in the middle of the night to come get him. He seemed very relieved when I text him and subsequently went and picked him up. I brought him back to my house, pumped him with water and motrin and put him to bed. Then I went to work. I came back a couple hours later with greasy McDonald's breakfast, to check on him. He asked, "Why are you so nice to me?" To which I replied, "You'll figure it out eventually." Then I went back to work.

He was so grateful for my "care" that when he started to feel better.... Mother fucker got up and cleaned my house. I came home later and looked around, like... something is off here. "Did you vacuum my floor?"  Yeah, he did. And cleaned my kitchen, and straightened up too. Color me impressed. Hell, I'll buy you crappy breakfast every weekend if that's what it gets me!!!

Warning, for those who are not used to my foul mouth and blunt nature: This next part is graphic.

Jesus, did I win the lottery? I sent him a graphic of a woman with her hands thrown up in praise. It read, "When she finds out he eats pussy, cooks and clean and wasn't lying about the dick." He got a kick out of that. 

This morning I feel like I got beat up. Or fucked proper. You know, however you care to describe it.  Saturday night we worked on a bottle of Vodka together. Which lead to some marathon sex. I didn't know I was that flexible anymore. Really? I can fold so that my knee is on my shoulder? Huh, well that changes the game a little. 

I managed to resist telling him just how head over heals I am for him. Why ruin a perfectly good weekend with 'feels'? Seems to me when those get involved, everything turns to shit. I'm going to let it simmer for a while longer. No sense in turning over the power so soon.

This SOB

I'm growing tired of being so broke all the time. Not that I have a problem being poor. I'd rather do something I love and not be rich. We should all be so lucky. 

No, I'm getting tired of The Douche not paying his child support and not being held accountable. It's been 9 months. Jesus fucking Christ. Why is he still sitting on his unemployed ass, getting high on his girlfriends dime, in his her trailer? 

Division of Child Support Enforcement (DCSE) has a "timeline system". After 3 months, they suspend his license. After 6 he should stand in front of a judge and answer for why he isn't paying. It's usually about that time that the assholes spend some time in jail to remind them about the priorities in life. They took his license but he's not been called to court yet. I think DCSE should be renamed, Child Support Reminder. They aren't enforcing anything.

There are things I want to do for Itty Bit that I can't because I'm currently broke. It makes me want to scream and break shit. Can you imagine what that $700 a month would do for our little family? Give me some breathing room to start. 

I see people/politicians screaming about welfare and their right not to marry people based on their religion and some moron who shot a lion. All I can think is "fuck you!" That's your biggest cause? If we put as much energy in to holding people accountable for the children they brought into this world, imagine how much we could get done. MAYBE, if we could get baby daddies to pay some support, there wouldn't be such a burden on the welfare system.

Friends picked sides and waged wars over the Confederate flag. Maybe we should put just half that amount of energy into calling out parents who don't support their kids.

My ex-husband currently owes us $15,579 in back child support. I don't have a choice. I do everything in my power to give my kids a good life. Provide for them as best I can. Short of getting another job and never seeing them, I'm at my limit. I've considered it. But seriously, why the fuck should I have to provide both sides of the support? And what good would I be to Itty Bit if I never see her, and I'm always exhausted?

I understand that $700 a month is a big chunk. Just so we're clear, his obligation is $500 a month and $200 towards arrears. Still, a lot of money, I know. It cost a fortune to raise kids and I'm the only one chipping in!!!

Surprise

Recall that Mr. Security and I went to South Carolina not long ago. While we were there, our friend Joe was being recruited by a company in TX. Turns out they made him an offer he can't refuse. Turns out he has to be there in the next two weeks. He and his family, I love his wife BTW, are moving all the way to TX. No longer a 6 hour drive away!

Turns out he is coming to spend some time with his friends here in VA before he leaves. It was rumored, but not confirmed. I text him last night to ask if the rumor was true. To which he responded that he was already on his way. I don't think he knew for sure if he'd make it up until he was actually in his truck heading North. 

I don't know Joe very well. He's better friends with Mr. Security and my Bestie, Ed. But this seems like just the sort of thing he would do. Get in the truck and drive up here with no notice. Not that I'm complaining mind you. I know everyone wants to see him before he moves half way across the country.

I'm going to throw together a dinner for the guys. My Bestie, Mr. Security and Joe. We'll see if I can calm my OCD and deal with the short notice. I've let my house go a little, because I've been worrying about other things. Now I feel the need to get it all back together like NOW.

If you need me, I'll be cleaning up after the tornado that I refer to as Itty Bit.

Told Ya So

When Itty Bit was in 3rd grade we battled with her teacher. A stuck up, snot nose bitch who thought her education degree meant she knew my kid better than I did. 

At first it was pleasant. A parent-teacher conference where she told me that Itty Bit was sure to fail at life if she didn't buckle down and do her work. I explained that Itty Bit was dealing with a lot at home. We'd only left her dad 6 months before. I also told her Itty Bit was bored. I'm sure they all hear that about some child over the years, but in our case it was true.

Itty Bit followed the course her sister had been on 5 years prior. Education wise, anyway. I knew the signs and I had a pretty good guess as to what would come. I explained that I wasn't overly worried. Yes, it's unfortunate that she won't do the work, but it doesn't mean she doesn't know it. I told her teacher that by the time Itty Bit got to middle school she would probably be in gifted classes. She wasn't going to participate until she was challenged.

This wasn't good enough. I got weekly emails detailing what a disaster my kid was. As time went on, the contact got nastier. A couple more conferences, and the teacher realized she wasn't bending our will. We ended up meeting with the principle and a counselor and the teacher. I was ready to pull my hair out because no one was listening. The principle all but said I was a horrible mother for not forcing Itty Bit into submission. 

And what does Itty Bit remember about that year? She hated school. She hated that teacher. Everyone picked on her. They made life hard for her.

Fast forward 3 years and here we are, going into middle school. God damn do I wish I could find those fucktards!

We got her schedule the other day....
Advanced placement Math
Advanced placement Science
Advanced placement English

Itty Bit and I talked about it and laughed, wishing we could tell that teacher, "Told ya so!"

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Itty Bit ended up, somehow, being that woman's boss? All the hassle. All the "I know better, because I'm educated." All the nasty spiteful treatment Itty Bit endured.

And in the end, I'm right. Because I am not a horrible mother. I know my kid. I know she's smart. I knew she would excel eventually. 

Told ya so, fucking cunt!

It Is Not Fair

I could fall so easily... All I'd have to do is let go.  I used to jump into things with both feet. Once I'd decided that it's something I wanted, I gave everything, and let the chips fall where they may.

But I've been smacked in the nose with the proverbial newspaper too much to continue the same carefree, love everyone, course my life was on. 

I can see myself loving Mr. Security. It could be as natural as breathing. We work together in tandem. We compromise. We talk about problems and possible solutions. We use each other as sounding boards. We are content to occupy the same space and be doing separate things. We both understand the ebb and flow of relationships. 

I keep looking for flaws. Waiting for the thing that will change our course. Because history has taught me, it's never this easy. 

No relationship is perfect. We are all human. Humans have flaws. A good relationship is about accepting the flaws in each other and loving them anyway. It greatly depends on what the flaw is. I know I can't be with someone who yells, does drugs or drinks to excess, is completely irresponsible, or is generally a horrible human being.

So I'm looking for these things. Waiting for them. And nothing. The most I can come up with is... Mr. Security apologizes a lot. For normal human things. And he truly is stressed that he could have, maybe, possibly caused me some uncomfortable moment. Often his apology is in a justification or over explanation of something. 

For example:
He passed up a parking spot in favor of another that was a little bit farther away. He said he was sorry and started to explain why he'd parked there. I had to cut him off and tell him I didn't care. Not to sound callous, but I really don't care about those little things in life. And if at some point I do care, I'll let you know. So what if we have to walk an extra half block? Now we have time to finish our cigarettes. 

He over explains hanging out with his friends. Especially the female ones. I listen patiently and smile. I've told him I think it's great he goes and does his own thing. I have no desire to be his only source of socialization. Also, I have a lot of guy friends. I know you can be friends with the opposite sex and not fuck them. If he gives me cause to question him, I'll talk to him about it. All I ask is that if he feels the need to stick his dick in someone else, tell me. Be honest, and we will be fine. 

At one point, he was going on and on about why he made some choice, and I cut him off again. I asked him if his ex-wife nagged him a lot. He got real quiet for a few minutes. I waited. And then, like a child being scolded, he said, yeah... she did. 

That, folks, is the only flaw I can see. We're working on it. Sometimes he will start, and I just look at him and smile. He catches on after a minute and says, "I'm over explaining this, aren't I?" He's starting to replace "sorry" with "thank you". I think he's having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to badger him to death. I just don't feel that it's productive to waste energy on trivial things.

Damn, I got off track again...

Ahem. So I'm still waiting. For him to decide I'm not what he wants. For him to tell me he doesn't really see us long term. That he isn't looking for his one and only. For him to say I'm not good enough. For the monster to come out of the closet.

I'm so terrified of getting hurt again, that I just can't let go. I want this to be right and true and the end. If he is really the person he's showing me. I could love that person. I could let go and never look back. 

If I reach for the treat and get my hand smacked again? When the universe tells me, I'm not allowed to be loved?  The absolute feeling of being paralyzed by fear? I'm so scared of fucking it up, that I stand in the middle and do nothing.

And is that really fair to him? What if he adores me as much as I do him? What if he has no intentions of hurting me? He didn't do anything to warrant my attitude of self preservation. Why should he have to pay the price? 

Oh Holy Hell

September 1st. Itty Bit will be back in school next week. 

Where did Summer go? It can't be over yet? We didn't even do anything fun!!! 

I have been thinking about a fun thing we can do before school starts. I think this may require a trip to the arcade. Itty Bit loves to play those games. She loves to "win" the tickets and buy prizes. We are one of the lucky towns. One of the few who still have an actual arcade. Not attached to costumed characters and nasty pizza. It's awesome. I think we need a good Summer send-off.

Then it will be time to start thinking about Fall stuff. Halloween costumes and caramel apples. Homework and school projects. I'm not ready to think about those things yet. Christ, we haven't even gone to the beach.  Maybe we can get that in, too? How can it possibly be September already?