Friday, October 9, 2015

The Crux of the Problem

I've been putting a lot of thought into my issues with DQ. I'm still angry. I'm still detached. And I feel guilty for feeling this way. It's been almost 2 months since she went to the girls home. Why don't I miss her? The only things I feel are failure and relief.

So I had to devote some energy to figuring out why. Not pleasant at all. But I did find some clarity.

DQ intentionally lied to the police, for the purpose of having me arrested, so I'd lose custody of Itty Bit. It was the straw that broke my proverbial back.

All of the things she's done in the past, they build a picture. You can come to a conclusion without definitive proof, but for this one thing.

She threatened to do it. She dreamed of tearing my family apart. But to that point, it had been hateful words. Until it wasn't anymore.

My part in this is that I can't forgive her. Had it been anyone but my own child, they would have been written off at the start. I tried harder with her than I would any other person on this planet. But I still can't forgive her for this.

She hasn't admitted wrong doing, let alone apologized. She doesn't even see that what she did was plain evil. She feels perfectly justified. It was a way to get what she wanted and that's all that matters to her. I wholeheartedly believe, given the opportunity, she would do it again.

How do you forgive someone when you're the only one aware of the tort? How do you trust someone who admittedly wants to destroy your family? How could anyone expect you to?

I've also been coming to terms with the reality of it all. 

For years I kept telling myself it wasn't as bad as it seemed. That it felt more dramatic because I was dealing with it so closely. Hundreds of hours in therapy. God knows how much time searching the internet for answers. Even when those things started pointing to sociopathy, I denied it. Blaming myself, saying I was making it out to be worse than it is. 

One of the owners of the group home sat down to talk to me a couple weeks ago. She flat out told me that DQ is showing signs of a budding sociopath. And she confirmed what I already knew. There is no cure. There is no drug. It's 100% up to her to choose how she's going to live her life.

It's terrifying. Coming to terms with this reality. You know it happens. But deep down you think it happens to other peoples families. It couldn't happen to yours. You did all the right things. 

We are at a stand still. I went for family therapy with DQ last night. I told the therapist about not being able to forgive her and that I am detached. And that I won't be able to change my course of thinking until I see some effort on DQ's part. She has to actually believe what she did was wrong, and show remorse, before I can forgive her. 

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