Darling Daughters

Some of you know that I had DQ and Itty Bit 5 years apart almost exactly to the day. In fact, had DQ been born 6 minutes earlier and Itty bit 4 minutes later, they would share the same birth date.

Itty Bit's birthday was yesterday and DQ turns 14 tomorrow. And while I adore my children, it has NOT been an easy road.

Itty Bit used to adore me. She thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, or the Beastie Boys. But as of late she doesn't like me very much. It's not her fault. She is a young child, forced to deal with divorce. The Douche has planted seeds of doubt in her beautiful head.

It's hard not to bawl your eyes out when your baby says things like,

Daddy just wanted us to be a family....
Daddy says you're being selfish....
Daddy didn't want to break us all up, you did!

For my part, I understand that it's critical not to put my child in the middle of this. So I hold my tongue while my heart aches and aches. I used to be her super hero. Now I'm the person who tore apart her family.

I know it's not easy for her either. Her daddy has moved on and had another baby girl with someone else. And God love my child... When asked how her first visit with her new sister went, she answered, "The visit was fine. Mostly they paid attention to dinner and that baby." Itty Bit has quickly deduced that she is not daddy's baby girl anymore. She now equates herself to the middle child. I told her, "Well, I'm not having any more kids, so you'll always be my baby girl."

DQ, on the other hand, is my heartbreak. I've failed this child in so many ways. Not for lack of trying, but for lack of know how. The first child is who we learn on. And Bless DQ for teaching me how to be a better mother to Itty Bit. But it's not enough to make up for my failure with her.

She is out of control. For the last year we've been seeing a therapist. She was diagnosed with depression and boarder line bi-polar. I won't get into all the self damaging things she's done or the ways she's endangering our family. Right now I'm terrified that she has some sort of psychosis or personality disorder. The moment you realize you don't know how to help your child is soul crushing.

We spent 10 hours in the ER trying to get her a bed in a psych hospital Sat. I'm wavering between two poles myself right now.
I don't want her to think I don't want her anymore.
I can't allow her to destroy my family, herself included, anymore.

I keep telling DQ, as a mother, it's my job to protect her, even from herself.