I am holding on to the edge by my fingertips alone. Taking shallow breathes, as if inhaling to deeply might send me falling over the ridge.
The muscles in my jaw hurts, and my teeth ache, from the constant scowl. I can hear my own teeth grinding. I can feel the muscles clench and unclench.
I found myself walking around yesterday, with my hands slightly out from my sides and all of my fingers fully extended. I am really trying hard not to clench my fists into tight balls, because I really want to punch someone, just to make myself feel better. My need for violence, to put into action what I feel inside, is nearly painful. Which only points out further that he has no idea of the person I was. That I still feel I could be. The fight not to destroy things leaves me trembling sometimes.
Itty Bit noticed that I had twisted a strand of my own hair so much that it stayed that way, dangling next to my face. My husband then fingered the strand and said that it looked like a nervous wreck. He was so close to me and it made me so uncomfortable, that I could have punched him. Instead, I explained that the strand kept falling out of my clip, so I twisted it so that it would stay behind my ear. Of course it was a lie, but I don't want him to think he has that much of an affect on me.
He still hasn't apologized. 6 days later and he is still holding his tongue. I realized a couple of days ago, that it's OK. I mean really, how many times can you hear "I'm sorry" and still believe it?