Monday, June 21, 2010

The Saga Continues

I am holding on to the edge by my fingertips alone.  Taking shallow breathes, as if inhaling to deeply might send me falling over the ridge.
The muscles in my jaw hurts, and my teeth ache, from the constant scowl.  I can hear my own teeth grinding.  I can feel the muscles clench and unclench.
I found myself walking around yesterday, with my hands slightly out from my sides and all of my fingers fully extended.  I am really trying hard not to clench my fists into tight balls, because I really want to punch someone, just to make myself feel better.  My need for violence, to put into action what I feel inside, is nearly painful.  Which only points out further that he has no idea of the person I was.  That I still feel I could be.  The fight not to destroy things leaves me trembling sometimes.

Itty Bit noticed that I had twisted a strand of my own hair so much that it stayed that way, dangling next to my face.  My husband then fingered the strand and said that it looked like a nervous wreck.  He was so close to me and it made me so uncomfortable, that I could have punched him.  Instead, I explained that the strand kept falling out of my clip, so I twisted it so that it would stay behind my ear.  Of course it was a lie, but I don't want him to think he has that much of an affect on me.

He still hasn't apologized.  6 days later and he is still holding his tongue.  I realized a couple of days ago, that it's OK.  I mean really, how many times can you hear "I'm sorry" and still believe it?


  1. I love and adore you and am glad to offer you the accolades for being brave enough to write a blog. My history includes men like your spouse; at 53 I know that there is another period of life in which you will have a chance to develop and grow... getting there can be a long road, but there is hope.

    If I were there I would hug you strongly and then let you rest on my shoulder while you cry.

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  3. Since May 15, I have been holding in anger and disappointment about my husband's behavior.

    It wasn't getting me anywhere - and it sure wasn't hurting him any.

    I had to just let go of it. Take a drive and scream in the car. Cry. Quit giving him this power over you.

    You are not in control of his behavior at all...and any bad acts from his side are HIS.

    And I also know that an "I'm sorry" said out of obligation (that has no sincerity behind it) is just a lot of noise.

    Forgive yourself yourself enough to take better care of you. Loosen those fists...release that animosity that is hurting YOU, not HIM.


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