Wednesday, June 16, 2010

No Subject

Couples fight.  I get that.  No 2 people are going to agree on everything all the time.  But I wonder, is it common to say mean and hurtful things to the person your supposed to love?

Don't misunderstand me, we don't fight often.  I am a peace keeper.  But every now and then, he boils over.  Is it my fault that he bottles it up until it spills out like lava?  Apparently, yes!

Last night he was in rare form.  He picked and yelled and cursed at me, until I bit back.  Somewhere deep down I think he enjoys being angry, irritated, and feeling sorry for himself.  The short of it is: I am selfish, and lazy.  A liar and a bitch.  I always get my way.  I don't respect him, the kids don't respect him.  I act as though he is only here to earn a paycheck, so I can do whatever the fuck I want to do.  It clicked for me at some point.  That this is how he always feels.  This garbage bubbles under the surface for him all the time.

He ranted and raved and said things like "I'm sorry, I can't give you anything else.  I can't be the perfect husband.  I'm sorry you can't change me into the person you want me to be, anymore than you already have."  And then the mutha fucker said "I'm sorry I'm not Edward."  I was literally at a lose for words.  I just stood there starring at him, with what I'm sure was an incredulous look on my face.  Until he said something about, I had nothing to say now, huh?

I was seething.  So angry I was shaking.  The crushing weight of it, I thought I would pass out or vomit.  So I said to him "Get it all out.  Finish screaming at me, so I can bawl my eyes out and go to bed, and you can feel like shit in the morning."  Then he told me I do these things on purpose.  Become irritated at him so I don't have to give him sex.  I looked at him and squinted my eyes.  That was it for me.  I let the mouth run off and said to him "Really?  You think this is better for me?  You think it wouldn't be easier for me to drop to my knees right now and give you what you want, because this-" my hands motioned around the room and at him "this is going to go on for the next 2 fucking hours!"  I actually saw a vision of me going down on him and THEN gutting his ass with a boning knife.  That's when I knew.  It didn't matter what I said, he was still going to be wrapped up in his self pity, for his horrible fucking life.

He ran through the same shitty things he does every time this happens.  At one point focusing on the fact that I allow my oldest daughter more leeway than I give him.  I said, "yes, I don't expect as much from the 11 year old as I expect from the grown fucking man!"  I was informed that "this is not a democracy, this is a dictatorship, and he is going to be the dick.  And that just because I sit calmly and don't scream doesn't mean I am any less disrespectful.  I said "It's like you are in the twilight zone over there."  When I spoke, I was interrupting him.  When I didn't speak, I was ignoring him.  So I give up.  When he asked "What have you ever asked me to do that I didn't do?"  I started screaming.  "This.  This right here.  You yelling at me, belittling me, saying hurtful things and insulting me, because you hold it all in until you burst."

At one point he 'went to sleep in the car'.  Which is his 2 year old way of saying, 'come after me.  make me feel better.'  I didn't.  After about 20 minutes he came back 'for a pillow', and picked at me some more.

The funny thing is: I was in a great mood yesterday.  I couldn't wait to roll around naked with my husband after the girls went to bed.  And then he sat down at the table and opened his mouth.  When DQ asked an open ended question, he actually said "Are you really that stupid?" to her.  And I ran cold.  And I suspect I will be for a long time.

I did tell him that his temper, and curt comments... the only people they are going to affect is the girls.  It's going to affect how the grow up and the people they become.

How is a man able to scream and yell at his wife, until tears burn down her cheeks, and not be affected by it?  Instead turn those tears against her and say "it's all about you.  Don't give a fuck what anyone else is feeling, just that your being hurt."  At one point I did think 'Your right.  You will never be Edward.  Because he is a fictional character.  That's why we all love him.  Because he would never treat his wife like this.  He would never say these things to the person he loves.'

And now I am left sitting here trying to find the strength to kick him out.  Again.  Because after all this time, and everything we have been through, I know it's not going to change.  I am trying to sift through what would be the best thing for the girls.  But my head is swimming.  I called into work today, because I can't speak without choking on my words.  I want to call his best friend and ask her opinion.  But her son is in the hospital right now.  I can not burden her further.  I want to call my best friend and my mother, and cry on their shoulder.  But I don't think it will do any good.  It certainly won't resolve my problem.


  1. Oh Missy! I don't have any words of wisdom or even anything comforting to say other than I'm thinking of you and I know you'll figure this out. You are a smart, strong woman!

  2. Sometimes the best you can do for your girls and yourself is to pack it all up and leave him. Leave the house, leave the furniture, leave the crap behind.

    I know it'll be hard (I've done it, I know.) but your sanity is the next thing that's going to go.

    We're here if you need us. Chin up.

  3. Ah, Missy, I am so sorry to read that the ingrained patterns come so abruptly and horrifically to the surface. And your realizing that change won't come--that's the first step to "on your way, gone". We don't know one another yet my heart goes out to you. I was married to your husband's twin; there is another side of this situation and you will make it there with your kids.

    Meditation may help, yoga saved my life some days, counseling invaluable in helping me realize that I was Not the Problem; it was His emotional UNSatisfyability !! That means that no matter what you do it will never be enough or right. Cut your losses and get out of the relationship. Save yourself and the kids before he gets physically abusive too.

    Sending strength to you and hoping for your best.


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