Dear DQ

It's been more than a month since I've posted. There's a good reason for that. I came to suspect DQ had found the blog. I decided to go dark for a bit. But now, I'm hoping she's found it. Because DQ ran away from her group home on March 21st. She's been gone for almost 3 weeks. We've followed every lead and sighting. We've paid people to look for her, with a bonus should they find her. We've needled the Norfolk detectives division with phone calls. At this point I'm hoping she will hear my last ditch plea. 

Dear Daughter, 

Please know that I love you and always will. I will always hope for the best for you. I want you to succeed and be happy. I hope whoever is harboring you is taking good care of you. With that being said, I feel it's my job as your mother to warn you...
 
You want to be out in the world, making your own choices. You think that you're not a child anymore. But this latest choice proves that you are indeed, still a child. You are making snap decisions with no regard for your future. You are living for the moment unaware that what you do today will affect the rest of your life. That is something children do. 

If you were grown enough to be out on your own, you'd know that you should be making full use of every opportunity you've been given. You're missing school. Effectively throwing away at any chance of college. How far do you think you're going to get in life being so impulsive? 

I won't get into how your being gone has affected everyone else. Because I know, being boarderline personality disorder means, you don't care about how you affect others. So I'll plead to something you understand. How this will affect you...

If you don't turn yourself in soon, your future, the one you dream of, with the big house and the fancy car, will be destroyed. You will be the only one to blame, because you're the one slamming the door in the face of all your potential. 

You are incredibly smart. Please don't waste all your chances for success because you want to be stubborn. Open your eyes. If for no other reason that to save yourself. Because the longer you stay gone, the more bridges get burned. 

Please know, if you call me soon, I will come for you. No matter day or night. But at this point, you're the only one who can change your path. You must be willing to work for it. Child of mine, hear me when I say, nothing is just going to land in your lap. If you don't work for yourself, no one else will either. 

I love you. Please be safe as you make your way in the world.

Love, Mom

To the person who is currently harboring my first born child,

Regardless of what story she told you, she is a minor. She has a mental health diagnosis and is currently off her meds. You have been informed now. Continuing to harbor her means you understand the full wrath that will befall you, if you do not turn her in. Please understand, while she may seem harmless, my family and friends are anything but. 

If you are discovered I will make it my life mission to destroy you. Everything you care about, everything you own, your reputation, your freedom... Everything from your job, your house, your car, your god damn family pet, Will Be Mine. I have people with very specialized skills waiting for me to give them a name and the word 'go'. If you think you are untouchable, untraceable, invincible, let me assure you, when I'm done with you, you'll live with nothing but regret for the rest of your life.  

The ONLY way to avoid the inevitable, because trust me when I say, you will be found out, is to turn her in NOW. Call the Norfolk Detective Bureau and tell them where to find her.  

Good For Ya

For days I've been looking forward to Saturday night.

Mr. Security is out of town for work right now. Not unusual. It's a big part of his job. Early on in the week, during one of our nightly phone calls, we were discussing plans for a date night. 

Itty Bit will be spending the night with one of her grandmas. That means the tone of date night completely changes. It's not often we get the house to ourselves. We plan to take full advantage of this.

Mr. Security has a way of making me feel like a girl. I want to be pretty. I want him to think I'm sexy and not be able to keep his hands off of me. So much so, that I started getting ready for date night on Wed. Hair cut, eye brows plucked, hair dyed...Black cherry, in case you're wondering. None of those things are out of the ordinary for me.

The big deal here is what I went shopping for. I haven't done this in YEARS. It never really mattered. For some reason, now it does. He deserves to be spoiled a little. I bought sexy intimate wear. Way beyond the functional cotton I normally wear, I suspect he's going to loose his mind a little. I can't wait to pick him up from the airport!!!

It's kind of fun being girly. I mean, I don't plan on doing it often. But every once in a while...it's nice.

If You're Going Through Hell

I'm not a fan of country music. It's rare that I'll even entertain the idea of listening to it at all. But this song...It fits.



It's been an interesting few weeks with DQ. All hell is trying to break loose and it's taking every bit of strength I have to fight back.

DQ needs to be in a full time therapy, behavior mod setting. These things cost money. Unfortunately, her insurance doesn't cover the entire cost. Since I can't cover the cost, I have to basically petition the city to pick up the overlap. In our last city, this didn't seem to be a problem. The funding allocation team seemed vested in her well being and mine and Itty Bit's safety. 

But we moved. With that our case moved to a new team. Where the previous team was ready to increase her level of care to a locked facility, this new team...sigh. In a nut shell they said, 'Why should we continue to pay for treatment if she's not doing any work?' The new city wants to send her home. I'm baffled. 

And if she turns into Lizzie Borden? If she's stabs some kid at school in a fatal attraction scenario? If she has a baby and realizes it's taking attention away from her? Will she drowned her kid in a bathtub? Or maybe she'll develop munchausen by proxy? Because of the Borderline Personality disorder, DQ is capable of any of those things. 

Then it will be; "Why wasn't she given the mental health help she needed?" "Where were the parents? Didn't they know about her mental instability?" 

But for now it; "Money is more important than people." 

I took the day off yesterday, because I had 4 meeting regarding DQ. I also took today off because I need to dedicate some time to researching all of our options. 

Apparently we need a back up plan. I'm not willing to have Itty Bit go stay with my mom. I'm not willing to have Mr. Security move out because of what she might do to sabotage us. I'm not willing to take a leave of absence so I can monitor her 24 hours of day. I'm not willing to go to bed wondering if she's going to stab me in my sleep.

The last 6 months have been the most stress free normal time I've experienced in decades. Not since I went into foster care and got placed with my 'Mom' have I been so relaxed and happy. 

I'm not willing to trade every ones safety and emotional well being because this city wants to save a few bucks. 

My Lost Child

I've got the ingredients, and some pretty purple frosting. I've got all the tools I need to bake and decorate a treat. I've been putting it off because it makes me sad.

DQ turns 17 today. She's still in the group home. I've told the staff I would be bringing cupcakes. I'm not looking forward to this. Not even a little bit.

She is still doing the same things that got her placed in the group home to begin with. Still looking for ways to break the rules. Still contacting males. Still back talking the staff. Still blaming everyone else for the situation she's in.

DQ has exactly one year to gain some enlightenment. One year to figure out how to live and function as a member of society. One year before she is out on her own. It scares me to think of all the heartache she will suffer, left to her own devices. But I can't save her. I can't cover for her. 

It's a horrible feeling...Loving your child. Wanting the best for them. All with the firm belief that she can not live in your house or be part of your family. 

I've recently come to realize that she will have to go out and make her own mistakes. She will have to learn on her own, the real life consequences of her actions. I tried to teach her, to guide her, to save her from the ugly side of the world. But she wouldn't listen.

Happy Birthday DQ. I'm going to bring you cupcakes and hope for the best. But my 'mom blinders' are gone now and you won't be coming home.

It is Cold

It's the kind of morning that calls for wool socks, to pad your feet from the hardwoods. A morning that demands hot coffee, to wake the soul and warm the hands. It's a cold, windy morning, that would be best spent rolling around naked with someone you love. If for no other reason than to share body heat. 

I miss my love. He's off in another state, working his white hat, network security magic. Sigh....

I know, logically, it's good for us. We've both been working from home since we moved. I think I was starting to aggravate him a little. It happens. It's not a good idea for any couple to be together 24/7. Doesn't make me miss him any less. 

The last couple of months, I wasted some time, wondering why I couldn't have found him sooner. Thinking life would have been so much easier...for both of us. Rather than be dragged through the gauntlet I could have just been madly in love with him this whole time. But I had an epiphany recently: We wouldn't have appreciated each other as much if we hadn't lived though some hell. We might have taken what we have for granted, not knowing how horrible relationships can be. Instead, I know what a stellar human being he is and I couldn't ask for anything more.

It's in the low 20's this morning...and dropping. I miss snuggling up and stealing his warm beams. No matter the temperature, Mr. Security is always warm.

On a side note: What in the actual fuck???
It was in the 70's the week of Christmas! So hot and humid I couldn't get paint to dry! And now, two weeks later, the 20's? As Itty Bit so hilariously said the other day, "Weather, you're drunk. Go Home!"
 

Holiday Chaos DONE

We survived the holiday chaos. I was a little worried, but it turns out, I was over thinking it.

The normal level of crazy that flows through my house was exacerbated by the move. Did I cancel Christmas breakfast? No. I still had everyone over, and fumbled through keeping everyone fed and coffeed. 

And you know what? It was fantastic. No one cared that we still had boxes and crap laying around.  Because they realize, I'm only human. I'm the only one who is freaking out because it wasn't all done. 

It was loud. It was messy. Our house was stuffed full of family and friends. It was awesome!

And I won Christmas. Yes, I realize it's not about winning or losing. Especially in my family. But my compound miter saw and antique pachinko machine....They say I won Christmas.

We had an impromptu New Year's Eve party. It went a lot like:

New Year's Eve...Noonish
 
Mr. Security: Sweety, do you mind if I have a few people over tonight?
Me: (as I pop one eye open from a nap) Uh, no. Who are we talkin?
Mr. Security: So-in-so and maybe Whats-their-face and maybe my brothers.
Me: Seriously? (laughing) Are you trying to have a New Year's Eve party? I asked you a week ago if you wanted to plan something.
Mr. Security: Yeah, I'm a dork.
Me: Alright, lets do this thing.

So much fun. We played cards against humanity, which I'd never played but apparently I was good at because I won. We drank Waaaaay to much. I was hurtin' bad the next day. And I got to know some of Mr. Security's friends better and also his brother. Good people. So glad we did that. 

Well, you're all caught up now. Back to work for this girl.