Friday, October 8, 2010


There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had...

No Need to Argue -Cranberries.

I've been in a very "Cranberries" mood lately.

I'm angry.  So much so that I could commit homicide. 

I'm mostly angry with myself though.  That I could turn into this person.  The 24 year old me would kick my ass if she could see me today.

I NEVER wanted to be a housewife or mother.  There, I said that shit!  I stand at the kitchen sink and cry when no one is looking.  I wash dishes and long to be bent over a body instead, tattoo machine in hand, creating and soothing someones pain.

A few months ago, dear husband and I got into an argument, of no importance what-so-ever.  Except that it was.  He became so furious that he wouldn't let me leave.  I tried.  I was just going to go to work, and since he was so upset, I decided to take the girls to the sitter.  He wouldn't let us leave.

The screaming lead to spitting all over my face in his rage.  His uncontrollable temper found me in my car, with my children freaking out in the back seat, as he held the door so I couldn't close it.  His fury to get the keys away from me, jerked me out towards the door and bashing my head on the frame of the car.  His need to control everything ended up with the spare key broken in the ignition, and a slice on my finger.  His blindness terrorized my oldest child, when he yanked the phone out of her hand and smashed it on the ground when she tried to call grandma.

But alas I am not angry with him.

I am furious with myself.  When the police showed up and asked me if he had hurt me I replied, "Well I hit my head on the door frame of the car when he yanked the keys out of my hand.  But he didn't do it on purpose."

I wonder when this became okay?  That I would unwittingly defend his actions?  Who the fuck is this person inhabiting my skin?
And now everyday I wonder what happened to the girl who would have elbowed him in the throat and cut his balls off.

For the record, I told him I wanted a divorce.  I told him to get out of my house.  He won't leave, and neither will I.  This is my children's home.  They go to school here, and have friends here.  They should not suffer because he is a stubborn ass.

So for now I stand at the kitchen sink and cry.


  1. Far be it from me to tell someone what choices to make, or how to live their lives. But I have walked a mile or more in your shoes. I have scars he "didn't mean" to leave. I've lost furniture he "didn't mean" to break. My daughters have seen police/lawyers/courtrooms he 'never meant' for them to see. Do what you can to take care of you and the kids.

  2. Protect yourself and the kids-I was pregnant when I got my first stitches.

  3. "He won't leave, and neither will I."

    Does this mean you are all still in the house together?? Please think really hard about if it is more important for your kids to stay in "their" house or if it is more important that they not be in their house while having to be scared or worried about being in the house with the guy that hurt their mother. (Even though it is dad).
    I have not been in your siutation before so I don't have valid advice, but I wish you and the kids (and even husband) thes best. I hope this works out for you all.


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