Monday, July 28, 2014

Love The Pain

If you didn't know, I used to weight 170 lbs. Yeah, don't ask. I'm 5'2" on a good day. There was no good reason to justify being that heavy.

I lost all of that weight VERY quickly, and have managed to keep it off for the most part.

I go through phases of working out intensely and then slacking off a bit. If there are no boys around to distract me with morning sex, I'm excellent about keeping a routine.  I do 45 mins of cardio/core training in the morning 5 days a week, at least. This is what I work out to usually.

About 4 weeks ago, I added a changed diet to my "healthy" lifestyle.
After I "workout" I eat a healthy breakfast. This is new for me as of the last couple months. I used to not eat anything until lunch time. But now I eat yogurt with banana and granola in it. Or cottage cheese with whole wheat toast.
For lunch it's protein or fiber bar with yogurt or fruit. Or a huge salad from the market. If I feel hungry, I eat something that's good for me. And of course I drink tons of water. I've always done that though. I noticed right away when I started changing my diet that I had more energy. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel after lunch. I don't nap in the middle of the day... usually.

In the evening, if it's not 100 degrees or pouring down rain, I walk. 1.5 miles. This only takes me 15 mins, but I break a sweat and burn off some energy. Gives me a few minutes without distraction to think, breathe and move.

And here's the thing, I don't do these things to look good. I have no intention of being a hard body again. I'm happy with the combination of soft and strong that I am now. I exercise and eat right so that I can splurge without guilt. I like bloody rare steak. I like chocolate cake. I like beer. And I partake in these things, within reason, and don't think twice about it.

During the holidays when I bake enough cookies to fatten up the U.S. Army, I gain a couple pounds. Every batch must be sampled damn it. And... every time I walk past the table where they are cooling, one jumps in my mouth, despite my protest. It's ok, I love cookies. I'm well aware this trend won't stop. Don't care.

Last summer I got down to 125. A very lean 125. It didn't look good on me. People were telling me I was too skinny. My ribs were sticking out. My ideal weight is now 135. But I confess, I don't step on a scale often. I don't think that number is important. How I feel, how my clothes fit... those are the things that count.

Now... aside from the extra energy and generally feeling good, I'm addicted to the pain. When I take it up a notch. When I change it up a bit. When I push it just a little more. That feeling you get when you work hard. Mine comes 2 days later and I know it's good. The tenderness, the sore feeling you get in your muscles when they are growing.

I told myself when I got back into my routine this spring I wasn't going to build muscle. I used to shadow box with weights. But when my arms started looking like a guys arms, I stopped the weights. I don't want to be a hard body. I think it's good to be strong AND have the softness of a female. But the burn, the stretch, the pain feels good to me.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Where Did The Funny Go

I used to be quick witted. I used to be a smart ass. I used to be cool, loved, stylish.... relevant. I used to be FUNNY.

I'm not really sure what happened to that. I'm wondering when I stopped trying to be witty and just started being bitchy. God I can't even stand to be around myself. I read through some of my old post and actually cracked up. The contrast between then and now is eye opening.

I'm going to make an effort the get my funny back. If for nothing but myself. I miss being that funny, snarky bitch.

Friday, July 25, 2014

I Broke My Toy

I broke my toy. No not that one, you perv. Last I checked B.O.B. was just fine. No, I'm talking about something I use much more often. My PS4.

Every month I indulge in something just for myself. Nothing too expensive, but it's my belief that whats the point of working so hard if you never get anything for it.  This month it was a pack of pinball tables for Zen Pinball 2 on Playstation.

I love pinball. It's the only video game I really play. Everything else gives me motion sickness. The ONLY pinball, in my opinion, worth playing on a gaming console IS Zen Pinball. It is as close to a real table as you will find.

Plants v Zombies is fun. I kick ass at Sorcerers Lair with 300 million + score. But I'd been playing those for months and I thought I deserved some new tables. I bought the Marvel comics pack that includes World War Hulk, Avengers and Fear Itself. Love these 3 games.

And then yesterday I sat my behind on the couch, controller in hand, ready to play and NOTHING! The playstation wouldn't work right. I unplugged the whole thing and waited a few minutes, hoping it would reset itself. It didn't work. When I swipe the power button, all it does is beep 3 times. I didn't have the patience to try to figure out was wrong. I just wanted to play some pinball and I couldn't which made me mad.

I had to give someone at Playstation an earful of gamers dismay. So I got online and opened an online chat with a rep. And what is the outcome of this support? I have to send the console back to Sony to have it repaired. Any bets on how long this is going to take AND if I will begin to feel the affects of Pinball withdrawl?

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Reopen that wound

If you tuned in yesterday you are well aware of the heart break I've been dealing with. I don't know how well I'm succeeding but I'm attempting anyway.

I was doing ok. Surviving on boring first dates and movie nights alone. I had been nearly two months since I last wrote to Bam. One night I was sitting in my reading chair with a good book when this text came to my phone:

UNKNOWN: Missy, this is Bam's gf of 8 months and i don't appreciate u stalking MY man time for u to move on! u had ur chance and blew it he is happy now ttfn

No, I didn't just have a seizure while typing that. It's exactly as I received it, except I changed his real name to his blog name, Bam.

I sat there dumb struck for a moment. I mean, who the hell randomly texts someone they have never met with some stupid shit like that? Immediately I equated her with a child. I answered her though. Just to clear it up:

MISSY: I haven't tried to contact him in almost 2 months. Safe to say I got the message. But if it makes you feel better to piss on his leg, mission accomplished.

UNKNOWN: Makes me feel wonderful! Glad u caught a clue cause a hint 4 u... U sound like a psycho stalker... Js ttfn

MISSY: Really? And "ttfn" is a completely normal, adult sign off (winky smiley face) Just take good care of him, and I'll leave you guys alone. Deal?

I knew she was baiting me and I wasn't getting sucked into that drama. Clearly, since she is up to date on his personal mail, she knows I haven't written in two months. So why now, so out of the blue? Like I said, she was looking for a fight. Trust that I ain't that girl. If you want to get down and dirty with me, put on your big girl pants and do it face to face. Until then, you aren't even a blip on my radar.

This whole exchanged bugged the crap out of me for so many reasons. First, I was doing better. I still love him, still miss him. BUT I'm capable of seeing that he didn't intend to reconnect. I was leaving it alone. And then this girl comes to open old wounds.

It strikes me as odd that she would text me. I have never met or spoken to her before. So I put some thought into how she got my number. I suspect she read his mail without his knowledge. I suspect he had no idea that she text me. Because, of Bam, I know this much; He does not like drama! I would be shocked if he'd given her the number and asked her to text me. He is a peace keeper. Content to leave well enough alone. I can't picture him inviting a cat fight into his life. I'm pretty confident that if he knew she text me he would be livid.

And since those texts, I'm back on the Bam wagon. Fuck My Life. In my head I contemplate every possible scenario. Maybe he never got the letters... Maybe she intercepted them. Maybe it was really him texting me to see if I would fight for him. Though I would think he knows better. I told him I only want him to be happy. Even if it's with another woman. Maybe I should send another letter but write it to her, since I know she's going to be the one reading it. Maybe, they are having issues because he still isn't over me, and she felt it necessary to be on the offensive.

You see my problem now? I was doing fine, and I do mean that as the acronym, but still. I was leaving it alone and now I feel the drawn right back in. Why can't I just walk away?

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


I feel like absolute crap. It may have something to do with getting drunk last night. A friend and I went to Flippers to play air hockey. I got my ass kicked, which is rare in air hockey. So I decided we should play pool. I got schooled again, which is normal. I suck at pool in general but without a few beers in me, it's laughable. At that point we went to a bar so we could drink beer while playing pool.

It worked. I really do play better when I'm buzzed. I think it has something to do with not trying so hard when I'm drinking. There was one game where I made 5 shots In A Row! I did good. Evened the odds so to say.

Until, we decided that every time we scratched we should pound beer. Yeah, it wasn't long before I couldn't see straight. But we had a blast. I needed to get out and stop thinking about the trials of daily life. Getting home at midnight and waking up at 4:30 am after drinking too much is NOT a good idea.

I had to leave my house at 6:30 am to drive an hour in order to pick Itty Bit up from her dads. We made it back to the house in just enough time for me to leave for work. It's been a long ass day!

Now, I'm depressed again. I hope it's the lack of sleep and dealing with my day via hangover. But I worry that tomorrow won't be any better. I'm angry and sad and lonely.

Monday, July 7, 2014


I told him.

I never rarely regret anything I do. If I feel like something should be done or said, I will usually do or say it. So without regret, I told Bam how I was feeling.

I didn't actually set out to. I had been "pining" for him a long time. Nothing was making the ache go away. So I started writing it down. My thoughts. Letters that I never intended to send. I was hoping if I got it out I could start to heal.

But then I thought if I don't tell him how I feel and there was still a chance I WILL regret that!

Knowing I probably wouldn't be received with open arms, I sent a large envelope containing all the letters I'd written to that point. I did not hold anything back. I told him I loved him and that I never stopped. That I hoped he was finding happiness and I never wanted anything else for him. I put it out there that even if there is no chance of getting back together I still want to be friends. That I miss him.

While I waited I kept writing to him. In a black hard covered book, never meant to be sent. If he re-appeared I would give it to him, but not until then. I cried... A LOT. I hypothetically kicked myself in the ass and him in the balls, for fucking it all up.

There was nothing. Not a word back. Well I put it out there. Does that make it stop hurting? No. But at least I don't have regret on top of that pain.

On the last page of my little book I wrote that I was putting it away. That I wouldn't try to contact him again. I would use the book to look back and remember the pain that I went through and try to use it to avoid future situations. And then I tucked the book away and left it alone.

So why...? Why can't I stop. Bam sneaks into my thoughts everyday. Some days are worse than others. Most days I'll hear or see something that reminds me of him and I'll smile.

Other days EVERYTHING slams me in the gut and I just can't escape. Every song on the radio, going to Wendy's, driving past the skate park. Hell just being at the beach, where I work, can bring it on. Someone mentions The Walking Dead, I think about Bam. Brushing my teeth, because he was such a nazi about his clean teeth. Someone farting, because he did it frequently and thought it was funny.  And sometimes it's days at a time, or a week.

It's particularly bad when the girls aren't home and I'm left alone. Last night I watched the latest episode of True Blood. Sookie had wrapped herself in her dead boyfriends jacket just to feel his arms around her again. She then decides to sleep in it. I can relate to that. Some days I sleep in Bam's hoodie. Don't ask me why. Because it was his favorite? Because he gave it to me? It's irrational, but I do it anyway.

And it's been this way for 8 months. At what point should I consider seeking professional help? Is this what love is and I just didn't know it? Are broken hearts supposed to be broken this long? Or am I going mental?

Stay tuned... Tomorrow I'm gonna tell you about his New Girlfriend texting me.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Still Alive

It's been about a year since I published anything on this blog. I wrote some blog posts about how awful life had been in the winter. How Bobby was in the closet and in denial. How DQ is still bat shit crazy and there isn't anything I can do about it. How I still love Bam. How I ended up stuck in the ghetto, just me and my girls.  I never "published" any of the posts. They were just too damn depressing. But lets play a little catch up shall we...

Bobby Rocks and I broke up, obviously. Actually it was more like, he figured out living with me didn't kill his urge for man on man porn. So he just left. Not without doing a whole list of assholish things first, but he did leave. It was a good thing. Yes, I was planning on leaving him. He just beat me to it.

I moved back to The Beach. Thank God I had a stash of money tucked away for such emergencies. It cost me about 3 grand but my kids are back in the beach school system and doing better.

DQ has been back to the hospital twice. One time they committed her for a week. I've come to realize this trend is never going to change. It will always be up and down with her. They can't officially diagnose her with anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy) until she is 18, but thats the road we are currently going down.

I've tried to date. I've been on maybe 10 first dates. Some I saw more than once. It's not working out well. In fact I've given up for the time being. I realized I was looking for a replacement for Bam. And as no one has been able to take away that pain yet, I'm throwing in the towel.

We got a new cat. Her name is Rizzoli. Spaz was lonely here all day by herself, so I thought a kitten would be a good thing. Spaz hid in the kitchen cabinet for a week. Until she realized that little thing was here to stay. Now they are besties. They run the kittie 500 together. The only problem with Rizzoli... she was a dog in her last life. She always wants to be outside. We take her for walks. She plays fetch... and sits on command. It's odd, but I guess it's what makes her fit into my crazy family.