Monday, June 21, 2010

The Saga Continues

I am holding on to the edge by my fingertips alone.  Taking shallow breathes, as if inhaling to deeply might send me falling over the ridge.
The muscles in my jaw hurts, and my teeth ache, from the constant scowl.  I can hear my own teeth grinding.  I can feel the muscles clench and unclench.
I found myself walking around yesterday, with my hands slightly out from my sides and all of my fingers fully extended.  I am really trying hard not to clench my fists into tight balls, because I really want to punch someone, just to make myself feel better.  My need for violence, to put into action what I feel inside, is nearly painful.  Which only points out further that he has no idea of the person I was.  That I still feel I could be.  The fight not to destroy things leaves me trembling sometimes.

Itty Bit noticed that I had twisted a strand of my own hair so much that it stayed that way, dangling next to my face.  My husband then fingered the strand and said that it looked like a nervous wreck.  He was so close to me and it made me so uncomfortable, that I could have punched him.  Instead, I explained that the strand kept falling out of my clip, so I twisted it so that it would stay behind my ear.  Of course it was a lie, but I don't want him to think he has that much of an affect on me.

He still hasn't apologized.  6 days later and he is still holding his tongue.  I realized a couple of days ago, that it's OK.  I mean really, how many times can you hear "I'm sorry" and still believe it?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

No Subject

Couples fight.  I get that.  No 2 people are going to agree on everything all the time.  But I wonder, is it common to say mean and hurtful things to the person your supposed to love?

Don't misunderstand me, we don't fight often.  I am a peace keeper.  But every now and then, he boils over.  Is it my fault that he bottles it up until it spills out like lava?  Apparently, yes!

Last night he was in rare form.  He picked and yelled and cursed at me, until I bit back.  Somewhere deep down I think he enjoys being angry, irritated, and feeling sorry for himself.  The short of it is: I am selfish, and lazy.  A liar and a bitch.  I always get my way.  I don't respect him, the kids don't respect him.  I act as though he is only here to earn a paycheck, so I can do whatever the fuck I want to do.  It clicked for me at some point.  That this is how he always feels.  This garbage bubbles under the surface for him all the time.

He ranted and raved and said things like "I'm sorry, I can't give you anything else.  I can't be the perfect husband.  I'm sorry you can't change me into the person you want me to be, anymore than you already have."  And then the mutha fucker said "I'm sorry I'm not Edward."  I was literally at a lose for words.  I just stood there starring at him, with what I'm sure was an incredulous look on my face.  Until he said something about, I had nothing to say now, huh?

I was seething.  So angry I was shaking.  The crushing weight of it, I thought I would pass out or vomit.  So I said to him "Get it all out.  Finish screaming at me, so I can bawl my eyes out and go to bed, and you can feel like shit in the morning."  Then he told me I do these things on purpose.  Become irritated at him so I don't have to give him sex.  I looked at him and squinted my eyes.  That was it for me.  I let the mouth run off and said to him "Really?  You think this is better for me?  You think it wouldn't be easier for me to drop to my knees right now and give you what you want, because this-" my hands motioned around the room and at him "this is going to go on for the next 2 fucking hours!"  I actually saw a vision of me going down on him and THEN gutting his ass with a boning knife.  That's when I knew.  It didn't matter what I said, he was still going to be wrapped up in his self pity, for his horrible fucking life.

He ran through the same shitty things he does every time this happens.  At one point focusing on the fact that I allow my oldest daughter more leeway than I give him.  I said, "yes, I don't expect as much from the 11 year old as I expect from the grown fucking man!"  I was informed that "this is not a democracy, this is a dictatorship, and he is going to be the dick.  And that just because I sit calmly and don't scream doesn't mean I am any less disrespectful.  I said "It's like you are in the twilight zone over there."  When I spoke, I was interrupting him.  When I didn't speak, I was ignoring him.  So I give up.  When he asked "What have you ever asked me to do that I didn't do?"  I started screaming.  "This.  This right here.  You yelling at me, belittling me, saying hurtful things and insulting me, because you hold it all in until you burst."

At one point he 'went to sleep in the car'.  Which is his 2 year old way of saying, 'come after me.  make me feel better.'  I didn't.  After about 20 minutes he came back 'for a pillow', and picked at me some more.

The funny thing is: I was in a great mood yesterday.  I couldn't wait to roll around naked with my husband after the girls went to bed.  And then he sat down at the table and opened his mouth.  When DQ asked an open ended question, he actually said "Are you really that stupid?" to her.  And I ran cold.  And I suspect I will be for a long time.

I did tell him that his temper, and curt comments... the only people they are going to affect is the girls.  It's going to affect how the grow up and the people they become.

How is a man able to scream and yell at his wife, until tears burn down her cheeks, and not be affected by it?  Instead turn those tears against her and say "it's all about you.  Don't give a fuck what anyone else is feeling, just that your being hurt."  At one point I did think 'Your right.  You will never be Edward.  Because he is a fictional character.  That's why we all love him.  Because he would never treat his wife like this.  He would never say these things to the person he loves.'

And now I am left sitting here trying to find the strength to kick him out.  Again.  Because after all this time, and everything we have been through, I know it's not going to change.  I am trying to sift through what would be the best thing for the girls.  But my head is swimming.  I called into work today, because I can't speak without choking on my words.  I want to call his best friend and ask her opinion.  But her son is in the hospital right now.  I can not burden her further.  I want to call my best friend and my mother, and cry on their shoulder.  But I don't think it will do any good.  It certainly won't resolve my problem.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Been a While RTT

You know the deal, write your Random Tuesday Thoughts, head over to The Un-Mom, link up and visit everyone else.  OK, it sounds complicated, but it's really not.

Mosquito season already?  My oldest, DQ, and I are highly allergic to these little bastards.  Which means I bat violently at them, as if they were wasps.  Because first is the itch, which is almost bearable.  But then the swelling, heat and pain.  Urg...

School is almost out here.  The girls keep reminding me, daily, of the countdown.  7 days left.  I bet my countdown to when they are bored with summer will be even shorter.  I give it 3 days before they are making me absolutely insane with "We're Bored."

I hired a high school girl to come watch the girls 3 days a week.  Just for part of the day.  So I can still work at the fabric store.  The more time I spend away from the house, the less I will have to hear "We're Bored."

Did you watch the MMAs on Sunday?  The buzz all over the net was "Will Rob and Kristen be 'together'?"  Really?  Who gives a shit?  Well, actually, apparently a lot of people do.  I am not one of them.  People, People.  They are not the characters from the book.  They are human beings just like you and me.  For Christs sake, leave them alone.

My, drug addict, sister in law is a cow and I wish she would get hit by a bus.  So long as she is not with my nephew when she is crossing the street!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Out and About

Anyone local?  Anyone local planning to buy the new Stephanie Meyer book?  

I will be out at the midnight release party: Barnes and Nobles TCC Norfolk.
They will be giving away one of my little chokers to the first 20 people to buy a book tonight.  Yeah!

If you were thinking about going out tonight, you should stop by and say HI!

OK, That's all for me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Yep, those letters mean just what you think they do...

So my neighbor comes over, and we get to talking about this girl that DQ became instant best friends with.  Which I think is great.  Someone her own age, rather than the little kids she has been stuck with.  And I actually like the girl, and she adores me, but mostly because she wants Twilight goodies.

Well Neighbor lady says, my daughter is not allowed to play over at new girls house, because there is a sex offender that lives close by there.

So we hop on my computer and look up the registry, and not 1 but 2 offenders live on the girls street.  OK, so neighbor and I go take a ride to see where they are in relation to new girls house.  Neighbor thinks that one of the addresses is actually New Girls house.

So I drop her at home and come pick up DQ.  I have DQ show me exactly which house it is that her friend lives at.  Yep, it's one of the addresses.  SHIT!  So I ask DQ "Who all lives there?"  Thinking maybe there is a creepy uncle shacking over there.  DQ says "New girl, Dad, Step mom, step sister and brother."  And I say "The brother is a kid right?"  "Yeah, he is a teenager."

I come home and look at the info online again.  Humn.  At this point I am hoping that it was the previous tenant, and that the registry just hasn't been updated.  I call DQ to come look at the photo, and ask her "Do you know this man?"  "Oh yeah" she says "That's New Girls dad."

WHAT???  Now I am raging mad.  This is not some, "I got caught pissing on a brick wall beside a bar one night" sex offense.  This is indecent liberties with a child.  And my babies have been hanging out over there.  Hey, there ought to be some fucking law.  If the neighborhood kids end up at your house, you should be REQUIRED to tell their parents you have been convicted of a felony against a child!!!

Well, I tried to hide my grief over this revelation.  But I guess DQ is a perceptive kid.  She asked this morning "Am I not allowed to go to New Girls house anymore?"  Of course my answer is no, but damn it.  The girls are like BFF.  And it's not New Girls fault her dad is a creep!

I feel like a fucking idiot for not checking sooner.  But really, do I have to investigate every neighbor?  In my defense, DQ has only been over there a couple of times, and Itty Bit only once.  And unfortunately, they will NOT be going back.  I feel bad for the girls, but I have to be a good parent.  I told DQ that New Girl is always welcome here.  And somehow she understood, but was still disappointed.

Indecent liberties with a child, as defined by the state where he was convicted is exactly as bad as it sounds.
I really wanted to call Step Mom and say "What the Fuck!"  Now I am wondering what will come next.